


Unwanted Salvation

by Stormlyht



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hell Torture, M/M, angel!Sam, angel!dean, descriptions of torture, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 11:03:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stormlyht/pseuds/Stormlyht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is an Angel who doesn't particularly care for rules and regulations, which is what gets him yanked back to Heaven on probation.  Bored to tears, he decides to pull a soul from Hell, and picks Castiel, a being he feels attached to the moment he sees him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unwanted Salvation

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the [Dean Cas Big Bang](http://deancasbigbang.livejournal.com/) on LiveJournal.
> 
> My Beta's were: [rainynickel](http://rainynickel.livejournal.com/) and [tanzenlicht](http://tanzenlicht.livejournal.com/). rainynickel did a super fantastic job going through and finding all the horrid run on sentences to fix, plus caught my nasty habit of not putting comma's in the right places. Tanzy helped smooth out paragraphs that I just couldn't seem to get right, and did some last minute editing I'll be forever in her debt for. Thank you BOTH so very much! <3
> 
> Artist was the super lovely [namidanaoru](http://namidanaoru.livejournal.com/) [on AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cranky_ol_Fangirls) who did such an amazing job I'm still shivering over it! Words cannot describe the gratitude I've felt being a part of this experience with you. Thank you so much for picking my fic, and doing such lovely work. 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated, we worked long and hard to bring this project to the finish line, and hope everyone enjoys the work we've done. <3

[](http://imgur.com/EaUqr3g)

“Dean, you have disobeyed Heaven’s laws on countless levels, you have wreaked havoc on Earth and you have caused numerous trials for angels above your status. We have pulled you from Earth and will be holding you in Heaven until we have determined that you can handle the responsibility of being assigned to Earth. Contemplate well what you have done and remember that you represent all of us in Heaven when you are on Earth.”

The loud voice boomed across Heaven’s audience chamber and Dean rolled his grace, the closest gesture to rolling his eyes he could actually do. Truth be told, Dean rather liked being in a vessel. There were motions and actions that could convey irritation and attitude that the colors of grace could not.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said. “I know. So I can go now.”

“Such impertinence!” the judge snapped. That pleased Dean. Irritating anyone and everyone he could was one of his guilty pleasures. “You should show all of us some respect.”

“I know, it’s horrible of me. Whatever will you do with this lowly angel? Can I go?” He hated formalities and all the posturing. Dean had spent too much time on Earth he supposed, watching kings fall and nations die, only to be rebuilt by new people doing new things. Made it hard to believe that the system in Heaven had survived for so many millennia. Dean wondered briefly if it wasn’t time for someone to change all that. Wouldn’t be him, too much work.

“Take your disrespectful self out of this place.” The judge motioned towards the exit and its grace went black with irritation briefly. Dean wasn’t surprised, not very many of the angels up here liked him, and he didn’t particularly care if they did. He was a free spirit, so to speak, and he liked doing whatever he wanted. If that meant performing a few miracles, or even causing floods in order to cull the population of the stupid, he didn’t see how that was a bad thing.

“Thanks,” Dean said, turning away and leaving.

He didn’t bother to close the door behind himself. Instead he flew right out spreading all four of his wings to carelessly float away. He liked watching Earth more than visiting people’s Heaven’s. Being homebound sucked, and briefly he considered finding another crack in the boundaries between Heaven and Earth in order to leave again. Dean wasn’t sure where his next vessel was going to be though, since they’d destroyed his last vessel calling him back to Heaven, and he wasn’t sure he ought to piss off Heaven again *just* yet. If he pushed too much, he’d be killed.

Heaven was mostly an idea. It was solid because the souls that live there believe in it, and the Angels who reside there create their buildings from the energy of the souls. The whole system was a circular structure that was created by God and maintained by Angels.

A long time ago, the Angels had created spots that overlooked the Earth, allowing them to navigate through the suffering souls so they could feel a connection to the people they were helping. That was when there were less people on Earth and the Angels had been more directly involved in human suffering. The rooms still existed though, and all Dean had to do was find one and claim it. There were many rooms so Angels didn’t have to share them anymore.

Stopping by a light green door, Dean opened it and looked around. Yeah, it was an unoccupied viewing room. Kind of dusty. He’d have to change it a little, repaint, new furniture. Touching the door, he put his name across it and walked in, shutting the door behind him. He had work to do.

*

Dean’s eyes were completely focused on the TV in front of him when Sam entered. Bright blue eyes set in a lightly tanned face and they were staring down Hellhounds. The man in question wasn’t running, didn’t even seem surprised. He was just standing there, waiting patiently.

“So what’d you do this time?” Sam’s voice came from the doorway. Dean had been in the viewing room for at least a few days.

Tearing his gaze from the TV, Dean glanced up and he had to pause for a moment in order to catch up to what Sam had said. Then he chuckled. “Lots of things, why? What’d you hear?”

Sam was looking around the room. “Really?” he asked, shaping his grace into the semblance of a human figure, possibly so he could move in the room. “A hotel?”

With a shrug, Dean considered the color patterns of the two queen sized beds and decided that maybe fuchsia and lime weren’t good together after all. “I’m used to them.”

“I heard you made the pope cry blood for three days,” Sam said as he walked over to the other bed and sat down on it. Rarely did Sam take on any kind of form. Dean silently congratulated himself on forcing Sam to make a decision. He could count on one hand the number of times Sam had shaped his grace, and Dean was more than a little pleased with himself.

“Yeah, I did,” Dean nodded with a small laugh. “That was great. The rumors said it was his fault for the altar boys, but it was actually because of his views on the gay priest.”

“You and your priests,” Sam sighed, his wings flapping in irritation, which knocked over one of the lamps on a side table. Sam didn’t even bother to look at it. “What’s your problem with them anyway?”

“They’re stupid?” Dean said quickly, not wanting to dwell on that line of thinking. His problems with priests were many and varied, and not something he really liked to talk about.

“What else have you heard?” Dean asked, trying to change the subject and wondering how many of his actions had actually made it to his favorite brother.

“You just want to know how many of your misdeeds made it up to Heaven,” Sam said and Dean turned so he was sitting on the bed instead of lying across it.

“Hey, you aren’t supposed to catch on so quickly,” he pouted, gazing back at the TV. The man was dead, lying in a puddle of his own blood, and for some reason, that bothered Dean. He flipped stations so he wouldn’t have to look at that anymore. The new one wasn’t interesting though, human lives were mostly sooo boring. “Tell me anyway?”

“Fine,” Sam sighed. “I’ve heard about your exploits in California, where you apparently turned a few high ranking officials to gambling.”

“They gambled prior to that,” Dean said defensively. “They just did it with people’s lives before my intervention, not with their own money. I showed the world their hypocrisy.” Dean didn’t like people in power being corrupt. It was a character flaw, he supposed.

“I also heard about the cruise.” The disappointment and disapproval in Sam’s voice only sort of upset Dean.

“They all deserved it. I let the innocent live,” Dean refused to look at Sam. Mostly he didn’t care if he harmed people, but when Sam got that self righteous attitude, well, guilt settled in. It was irritating.

“How about all the innocents that lost family because of what you did?” Sam asked pointedly. Trust Sam to come up with reasonable and logical reasons as to why Dean shouldn’t have sent a typhoon to destroy a cruise.

“They’re better off!” Dean’s defensiveness got the better of him. He got off the bed and stood up, top wings flaring out and brushing against the ceiling, knocking over a few paintings and the light cover, his bottom wings tucking around his form protectively. “You can’t tell me otherwise!”

“We’ll just have to see Dean,” Sam said in that very patient, very annoying, way he had. “We will. The biggest problem here is that you shouldn’t be interfering at all, and you know that.”

“So what, we’re just supposed to sit here for aeons until “God” shows up again and tells us what to do?” Dean’s problems with authority most likely stemmed from his displeasure at their Father. “Please, God abandoned us long ago, and none of the Angels can tell me what to do.” Dean could taste the bitterness of his emotions in his mouth, and even though he could still see the disappointment in Sam’s features, Dean refused to back down from this one.

“God didn’t abandon us Dean,” Sam said, sighing. “He really didn’t.”

“You can believe whatever you want to believe,” Dean said, sitting down again, wings relaxing with him and moving away from the broken furniture. Dean could fix that stuff later, if he felt like it. “This is just stupid.”

“You’re acting like a child, Dean,” Sam said, leaning back on the bed and watching his brother closely. “Like a child throwing a temper tantrum. You’re acting like Lucifer.”

“Please, I’m nothing like Lucifer. I love humans for one,” Dean shrugged. The very idea of being compared to Lucifer was frightening on so many levels. “That’s got to count for something.”

“It counts, but not for much. Loving humans, hating humans, that doesn’t really matter does it? Lucifer was cast out for disobeying, not for hating humans. You’re heading dangerously close to disobeying on the same kind of scale, and that’s going to hurt you Dean. We can’t even imagine how the council will take your willful disregard for playing by the rules, or how they’ll punish you for it.”

Sam sounded so worried, so upset, that the emotions spread to Dean, and he got a little nervous himself. “You don’t think they’d try to pass judgment when God is away, do you?” Dean asked. He hadn’t thought the Angels would go so far away from the orders God had left behind.

“I don’t know,” Sam said softly, looking around and lowering his voice. “I don’t know that they wouldn’t. They’ve been acting on their own for a long time now, they might think they have all the power to do whatever they want at this point. Perhaps God did leave them in charge. We will never know, we have never seen Him.”

Trying to seem nonchalant, Dean lay back on the bed, shrugging slightly. “Let them try to get me,” he said softly. “I’ve got my own power, and if they attempt to hurt me, I’ll run away. Other’s have done it, Gabriel for instance.”

“Those were all high ranking Angels Dean, not foot soldiers, not like us.”

With a grin, Dean turned to look at his favorite brother. “I’ve never been *just* a soldier Sam, you know that.”

The worried look didn’t disappear completely, but Sam did offer Dean a small smile.

*

Dean was bored. Bored. Bored, bored, bored! He *hated* being cooped up with nothing interesting to do. Humans, with all their fascinating mishaps, were basically useless if one wasn’t going to be fucking with them in one way or another, and Dean wasn’t allowed to do that right now.

He’d been stuck for months now. He hadn’t “repented”, wasn’t very likely to, and being stuck on house arrest was worse than being flayed alive. He knew, he’d been flayed before. It had been painful, agonizing even, but more interesting than sitting in Heaven doing absolutely nothing.

That’s when the idea had formed in his brain. The bad idea, which might actually make his life a shit ton more interesting. The idea that revolved around Hell.

It had started when he’d thought about that man staring down the Hellhounds. He was destined for Hell, and probably had made some sort of demon deal, but he wasn’t fighting that decision. As far as Dean had noticed, he hadn’t screamed or tried to escape. The level of internal strength that represented meant a lot to Dean, and it made him want to do something good for the tortured souls in Hell.

Actually, it just made him want to fuck with Hell, because the system didn’t really work right anyway and he loved to fuck with already messed up systems. Plus he didn’t really want to do something good for the tortured *souls*, he wanted to do something good for *a* tortured soul.

First thing he had to do was watch Hell in order to find the soul he wanted to spring. Watching Hell wasn’t as easy as simply casting ones eyes down, or even trying to tune the viewing room to it. Angels, as a rule, weren’t allowed to interfere with Hell, so he needed to get hold of something specific. A scrying crystal, one that had a piece of Hell trapped inside it so he could use that piece to tune the view screen to the grand below. Such devices had been locked up years ago. Angels like Dean weren’t blocked from that for long though, because being the scamp that he was, he had done a few things for a few people, and now had favors owed to him.

He’d had to cash in some of his greatest favors, and several small ones, to get the crystal that lay heavy and hot in his grace, but he thought it would be worth it. Shaping it into a USB drive, he plugged it into his TV, and sat back on the bed.

The first thing he saw when the TV came on was torture. Ugh, well, he’d asked for Hell, right? Flipping channels brought him more torture, some sex, sexual pain, was this all that happened in Hell? Well, he knew there were layers and layers, so he supposed he just had to keep flipping channels. It would be like when he was on Earth, trying to find an interesting show.

Given the monotony of the first few hundred channels, he had a feeling it really *was* just going to be like on Earth. Thousands of channels, nothing on. This idea of his was suddenly starting to feel a lot like work.

*

His name was Castiel. Dean learned that after watching the television non stop for days. Castiel was being held on the fourth level of Hell, which Dean knew because of the channel number. Castiel was channel 407, and Dean thought that number might be burned into his mind for the rest of his life.

He thought it was the blue eyes that had caught him the second time. Castiel hadn’t had an actual face when Dean had caught the blue eyed gaze, and Dean had dropped the remote which had landed on auto program. Dean had sworn and hunted through the channels the eyes again, memorizing the channel number as soon as he found them.

Castiel’s blue eyes looked around in pain, but when Dean watched them, he could tell that it wasn’t just the outer, physical, kind that most souls in Hell faced. Castiel was also feeling a deeper, internal, pain. One so rooted in guilt that the soul believed it belonged in Hell. Most of the people Dean came in contact with didn’t feel that level of torment, and it pierced through Dean’s grace.

Castiel was being skinned, again, as Dean watched. There was a beauty to the soul that struck Dean. The way the muscles moved, the way the internal organs were formed. He’d always been able to see past the exterior to see the interior of a being and so maybe it didn’t disturb him as much as it should, though he had never cut into anyone to look at their insides.

Black hair usually covered Castiel’s head, thick hair that looked soft and fluffy, but it had been shaved off that morning. The shaving of Castiel’s hair seemed to be one more way for the demons to exert their power. Another way to strip him naked before they stripped him down to bone. It was a hint of what was to come, and Castiel had been sweating and shivering even before he was completely bald.

Usually Dean wouldn’t be able to stomach this kind of thing, but once he’d found Castiel in Hell, he hadn’t been able to look away from him. There was a strength that Castiel had that made Dean’s stomach clench and his grace throb painfully with understanding.

Most Angels thought humans were pretty useless as a species, just ants on the ground that could be stepped on if needed. They had bowed down before them because God had commanded it, and they loved God, and they were waiting for the moment when the humans would surprise them. They hadn’t though, and in a way, Dean thought that Lucifer had been the most pure of them all. He had been true to his feelings, had stuck to his resolve, had refused to say something he didn’t feel. For that he’d been cast out and called a heretic, evil, and all manner of other things.

When Dean watched Castiel, he remembered why he had bowed before humans, why he had loved them. They were strong. Their very essence, their core, was so great that it could move mountains. Castiel was hurt in so many ways, and yet he didn’t allow himself to be degraded, he didn’t bend. He was given the chance, at the end of every day, to take up the blade and hurt other souls as he had been hurt, and Castiel refused, each and every day. It would be uplifting if it wasn’t so painful.

Dean knew he should be horrified when he watched Castiel, but what he felt instead was a bit of pleasure just to see him. Castiel was important to Dean, and he didn’t know how that could be, but perhaps it was just because Dean’s grace knew Castiel now. He knew the suffering and pain combined with the underlying strength and maybe it was just that which made Castiel important.

Dean knew he was going to spring Castiel from Hell. He’d been watching Castiel for long enough and none of the other souls interested him, not once he’d found Castiel. He wasn’t in the irretrievably deep levels of Hell and Dean thought he might actually be able to pull this off.

“Soon,” Dean said, catching the blue eyes again, even if Castiel couldn’t see him in return. “I promise, you won’t have to stay there much longer.”

*

Dean checked himself over to make sure he had everything. Angel blade was tucked into his grace and his wings had been greased down to protect them from the hot and dry air in Hell. He’d been preparing for half a week now, and Dean was pretty sure he was ready.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked, walking into the viewing room, grace swirling with discontent.

“Something I shouldn’t be,” Dean said, looking up at his brother. He wasn’t surprised Sam was here, he hadn’t pestered Sam for a while now. Dean always pestered Sam when he was bored.

“Promise me you’ll be careful?” Sam asked, coming over, his wings drooping behind him. That was an unusual gesture for Sam, his wings rarely ever slumped.

“Of course I’ll be careful,” Dean said, sliding a tendril of his grace over to Sam. Sam wrapped it in his own grace, and Dean could feel the fear and worry that was rushing through Sam. “Trust me,” he said.

With a snort, Sam said, “Never.” Dean could feel the amusement now, and Sam let go of Dean’s grace. “Do you need help?”

“No, I’m good. Keep the eyes off of me for a little?”

“As if I could.” But then Sam disappeared and Dean could almost feel the eyes of Heaven follow Sam instead of Dean.

Occasionally, Dean felt bad when he asked Sam for favors. When Sam did things of his own volition though, he proved that he loved Dean the way angels were supposed to love each other, selflessly. That made him feel that everything would be okay.

Dean had used the scrying crystal to map out his path in Hell, and by the time he reached the fourth floor he was more than ready to leave. First, it was hot. Second, he’d been seen by a demon. It had been quick, but not so quick he hadn’t been recognized as an angel. That made him dash into the first room on the forth floor he could find a handle to.

“You don’t belong here,” a soft voice said and Dean turned to look at the body on the rack in the middle of the room.

“No,” Dean said, shaking out his grace as he moved closer to the soul. Bright blue eyes looked up at Dean and he could feel the myriad of emotions rolling through him. Dean couldn’t move, he was caught in that gaze, almost believing his luck was a sign from Heaven.

It was Castiel.

“You’re an angel?” Castiel croaked, voice very unstable.

“Yes, I am,” Dean said, voice steady and firm. Castiel wasn’t going to stay here any longer. Wrapping a tendril of grace around the controls to the rack, he started relaxing the machinery.

“Oh, don’t do that,” Castiel whispered, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “Don’t. Just… go, do whatever you’re here to do.”

“I am.” Dean kept turning until the soul was relaxed and flexible in the arm and foot shackles. Castiel’s eyes opened again and he looked up at Dean.

[](http://imgur.com/SreDxqx)

“You are?” he whispered. “No, I haven’t… I… belong here.”

“And I want to free you,” Dean said, allowing his grace to sink into Castiel, healing the damage done and cleaning his soul. “Deal with it.”

Castiel frowned as Dean unlocked Castiel’s legs but he tried to move them as soon as they were free. When Dean undid the arm shackles, Castiel collapsed into Dean, and with a chuckle, Dean brought his wings up to tuck under Castiel’s arms and hold him steady.

“You’re completely worn out,” Dean said sinking his grace into Castiel again. There was nothing else he could do as far as healing went, not until they were out of Hell.

“Yes,” Castiel nodded. “Leave me here.”

It had to be the trauma speaking, so Dean simply said, “No.” He’d made a decision, and Dean never backed away from his decisions.

“Why are you,” Castiel began, eyes searching Dean’s grace, as though trying to find the answers to everything there.

“Because you’re my favorite tortured soul,” Dean said shrugging his wings. He didn’t think Castiel could run just yet, so he wrapped multiple tendrils of grace around Castiel’s soul, carrying him gently. “Let’s go.”

“I don’t understand,” Castiel whispered as Dean slipped through the layers of Hell, careful not to jostle Castiel, even though he had to smite demons on occasion. Someone had set off an alarm.

“You don’t understand what?” Dean asked, flying around a corner and up. They were almost out.

“Why you chose me,” Castiel said, his eyes searching the swirl of color that was Dean’s grace. Dean caught on those blue eyes again, and he couldn’t explain. He didn’t fully understand it himself.

“I told you already.” It would have to do, the explanation that wasn’t an explanation, because Dean couldn’t give Castiel more than that.

“I -” but he was cut off, because Dean was leaving Hell and the transition from Hell to body was jarring.

“Castiel,” Dean said, his grace brushing across Castiel’s cheek in wonder. “You have a life to live now. Do it. Walk away from this and be whatever it is you want to be.”

Castiel’s body had decayed over the months it had been in the earth, but Dean gently placed Castiel’s soul into it and then brought new life to the flesh. Fixing all the flaws, Dean waited until Castiel took his first breath before he left, softening the earth on his way out of the ground for Castiel.

*

Dean was beginning to wish he hadn’t saved Castiel from Hell. For one, he couldn’t get the man out of his mind, and he kept trying not to turn the TV on to his station. For another, Castiel kept praying.

“Dear God,” Castiel would pray. “I don’t understand what happened to me. I gave up all hope in you and your grace, agreed to a demon deal and went to Hell for my sins, rightfully so. Why then, did you send an angel to save me? Are you trying to tell me that I have a second chance? I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. Tell me what I’m supposed to do now.”

Since it hadn’t been God who had made the decision to save Castiel from Hell, Dean felt like his part in the whole thing was being ignored. Dean didn’t mislead the faithful, but he wanted to tell Castiel exactly what was going on. Unfortunately Dean couldn’t communicate with Castiel. Banned from Earth and all that.

It took two weeks of nightly prayers before Dean began looking for his new vessel. His blood line had been promiscuous, so it only took a few days to locate the best of his options.

The man was a mechanic with dark brown hair he liked to spike up and bright green eyes. He had a penchant for leather jackets, boots instead of shoes, and getting tanned from being out in the sun working for days. It took him four days to convince his vessel to allow him inside though, mostly because he didn’t believe in God and angels. Dean’s bloodline was like that a lot.

The selection of clothes worked for Dean, and once the vessel was washed he spent some time picking out the right outfit. Leather jacket was over his shoulders, the jeans tight over his curves, and Dean looked at his reflection with a smile. Yeah, he looked good. The shirt was a green silk button down, and really picked up his eyes. The shoes were a pair of strong boots, worn in all the right places. With a smirk, he disappeared and reappeared near Castiel.

“Hey,” Dean said appearing at the gas station Castiel was at. He took several steps towards Castiel, who gasped as he turned around.

“Who are you?” Castiel asked, looking around frantically, probably trying to find where Dean had come from. There were no other vehicles in the station, and it was night, possibly the reason for the fear.

“Dean,” Dean nodded, offering his hand. “Have you forgotten about me already Cas? I sprang you from Hell a few weeks ago.”

Cas took a step back. “You… how did you know about that?” Castiel whispered, and Dean shrugged.

“Way I see it, you have two options to believe. Either I’m a demon who knows you got sprung, or I’m the angel that did the springing. I can’t show you my true form, it would burn out your eyes.”

“How am I supposed to know which you are?” Castiel asked, eyes traveling over Dean’s body slowly. That made Dean preen a little, and he stood tall, allowing the clouds to gather in the sky, using lightning to show off his wings. He extended them slowly and light bulbs shattered.

“I told you you were my favorite tortured soul in Hell,” Dean said. “Then I tucked my wings under your arms to hold you upright.”

His eyes widening as they looked at Dean’s wings, Castiel kept his hands over his head as the lights shattered. “It’s true?” he whispered. “It’s really true?”

Dean nodded and allowed the clouds to disperse, tucking his wings back around his body. “Yeah Cas,” he said. “It’s really true.”

“Oh.” Castiel stared at him for several minutes before he spoke again. “Then send me back.”

*

Dean blinked at him several times in disbelief, then shook his head. “Excuse me, what?” he asked slowly, irritation rising as he stared at Cas.

“Take me back,” Cas said as he finished pumping his gas and took his receipt.

“No,” Dean snapped. “I saved your ass from Hell, why would I toss it back in?” Had he done all of that for nothing? Not even a single word of thanks?

“I didn’t *ask* to be saved!” Cas said, focusing on Dean again. His eyes were wide, one hand rubbing lightly on his thigh as he held Dean’s gaze. “I *belonged* there! I made a deal, and now I’ve gone back on my deal. That’s not acceptable.” There was a tremble to his voice, and Cas swallowed several times.

“I’m the one who pulled you out, you can’t ask me to put you back in. Did you forget what was happening to you in there?” Dean asked, taking a step closer to Cas, towering over the man as he narrowed his eyes. Cas never lost Dean’s gaze, but he did back up a few steps.

“Fine,” he breathed, walking around his car. “Then I’ll find some other way of returning.” Cas got into his car and started driving away. Frowning, Dean launched into the air and put himself into the passenger’s seat.

“Excuse me?” Dean said loudly, and Cas nearly ran his car into the other lane. Good thing there wasn’t anyone out on the roads this late at night.

“How’d you -” Cas gasped, and Dean shook his head, turning to stare at Cas.

“I’m a fucking angel, how hard do you think it is for me to move around this earth?” Humans man, were they never grateful? “That’s not the point. We’re discussing your supreme lack of desire to be alive. What’s your issue?”

“I don’t… have an issue. I simply shouldn’t be here.” Cas shifted in his seat, glancing at Dean nervously a few times and Dean crossed his arms.

“You’ll have to do better than that Cas. I raised you from flames, I sewed your muscles back onto your bones and started your heart. You don’t get to tell me to go back on that,” Dean said through gritted teeth. He wanted to reach across the car and smack Cas upside the head. What was it about this man that affected him so much anyway? Under normal circumstances he’d probably just take Cas back, right?

“Why did God command it?” Cas asked, hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his fingers were white. There was a faint hope in Cas’ voice that Dean hated to squash, but as he looked over Cas’ taunt frame he knew he simply couldn’t lie.

Sighing, Dean shrugged. “God didn’t command it.” He couldn’t even pause, if he did, he might not be able to start again. “I wanted to do it. That’s why you’re out of Hell, because I wanted to free you.”

There was resounding silence from Castiel. Finally though, he licked his lips and turned a harsh glare at Dean. “You… God didn’t want me out? So… you just did it for kicks?”

“No!” Dean shook his head so vehemently he felt a little dizzy. “Do I really strike you as the kind of angel who does things for kicks?” When Castiel turned back to the road, Dean didn’t think he’d convinced Cas. Dean’s heartbeat quickened as he watched the streetlights cast shadows across Cas’ face. There was something mesmerizing about it. Between the shadows and the horror he was feeling, his stomach clenched painfully. He’d wanted to help Cas, not hurt him, had he failed?

“I don’t know what else to think. You raise me from Hell and leave me here to return to my family, but don’t even tell me! Besides that, what gives you the right to override my wishes to remain in Hell?” Cas spit the words out, keeping his gaze on the road, hands still gripping the steering wheel so tightly Dean was starting to think that Cas would lose control of the vehicle any moment.

“I’m a fucking Angel for one thing!” Dean snapped back. He was starting to feel wound too tightly himself. “Just because you don’t know my reasons, doesn’t mean I don’t have them. If I had wanted you to do something other than return to your family, I would have told you that when I raised you. Why the hell aren’t you with them right now?” Dean’s outrage died as he looked around. “Where are we?”

“What reasons?”

“What?” Dean asked, turning to look at Cas again.

“What reasons did you have for freeing me?” Cas swallowed and looked at Dean again. The brightness of his eyes, searching for something to cling to, tugged at Dean’s Grace. He wanted to reach out and tell Cas that it was fine, things would get better. Dean was reaching out to him before he realized that probably wouldn’t go over very well and he dropped his hand.

“The reasons are mine, and don’t matter as much as the outcome. Now, answer me. Where are you going?” It was too personal, Dean wasn’t going there, Cas’ outrage be damned.

Looking away from Dean, Cas’ hands relaxed a bit on the steering wheel. “I don’t know. Away. Far away.”

“Far away from what?” Dean flit out of the car several times to take stock of their position on Earth. They were headed away from where Dean had raised Castiel. Which meant they were driving away from Cas’ family, home, life.

“Everything.”

“Why aren’t you returning to your wife? I know she’s still alive, as is your daughter.” Cas’ daughter was eleven, cute as a button, and still prayed for God to bring her daddy back. Not that Dean had been listening to her, of course.

“I can’t return to her!” Cas snapped, glancing at Dean briefly. “I’m dead Dean! How can I come back to her at this point?”

“You tell her God was gracious and returned you to them,” Dean said. “Duh.”

“You believe that would work?” Cas asked, shaking his head. “You have no idea how humans behave, do you? Don’t you know how that would be seen?”

“I know how humans act,” Dean said, shrugging. “I just figured you would try. People come back from the dead all the time. Just not… you know what, why am I trying to explain myself here? You should want to be with her, why don’t you?” Dean turned the question back on Cas. For some reason Castiel’s desire to return to Hell really bothered Dean. He hadn’t done the wrong thing, had he? It wasn’t wrong to want to do right by someone, so why did he feel so guilty?

“I do want to,” Cas said, but not with much conviction. “I just can’t. She thinks I’m dead, Claire knows I’m gone. If I returned, and then was killed again…” Cas shook his head and his voice got very soft. “I can’t do that to them a second time.”

“You had life insurance, didn’t you?” Dean asked, nodding. “If you came back there would be claims issues.”

“That has nothing to do with it,” Cas snapped. “Yes, I did, but that is not the point.”

“If that isn’t the issue, then what is?”

“I lost my faith,” Cas said, turning his head to look at Dean. “I deserve to be punished. There is no reason for me to be here again, right?” Cas’ blue eyes were so confused and distraught that Dean reached out and lightly touched Cas’ shoulder.

“Everyone loses their faith sometimes, it’s normal,” Dean said gently. “You’re allowed to live Cas, you’re allowed to have your life back. I’ve given you a second chance, don’t screw it up.” The life under his hand was warm, heating through to Dean’s hand. It was pleasant, very pleasant, and Dean wished he could touch more.

Cas relaxed under Dean’s hand. “I just can’t go back to them though,” he said with a shake of his head.

Pulling his hand away, Dean shrugged. “Fine. I brought you back so you could go back to your life, but if you don’t want to… you don’t have to.”

“It’s not fair to them,” Cas insisted, and Dean rolled his eyes.

“You keep saying. Would it be more fair if they found out you were alive because of a news article, or a news report on the TV or something? Isn’t it harder to explain why you didn’t come to them in the first place, rather than explain why you stayed away? If you love them, why would you hurt them in this way?” He didn’t know why he was getting irritated again, but it seemed like Cas was more than a little capable of pissing Dean off.

“I will be very careful. No one will find out. If they do learn though, it is your fault for bringing me back,” Cas said, and Dean snapped.

“Fine! Blame it all on me. If you want to make an Angel of the Lord the bad guy in your little pity party of a life, then do it!” He disappeared and returned his vessel to his home before going back to Heaven.

*

Dean wasn’t back in Heaven for five minutes when Sam dropped by. Which was probably good because Dean was burning tiny holes in a flower field. It was the sort of thing he did to make his mood a little brighter.

“Dean?” Sam asked, looking over at the field. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Dean snapped, burning a daisy and not looking up at Sam.

“Yeah,” Sam said slowly. “I can see that.”

“You know,” Dean said, turning away from the field and staring at his brother. “I hate humans. They’re stupid. You do something for them and they don’t give a shit. What the fuck?”

“Do you ever not swear?” Sam asked, settling on the ground near Dean.

“No. What does that have to do with anything?” Sometimes when Sam talked, Dean had to work to make Sam’s words make sense. It made Dean’s head hurt.

“Just saying. You really need to calm down.” Sam motioned towards the field. “Did the daisy’s piss you off again?”

“No. Cas did.” Dean looked away from Sam because he’d only told Sam a few things about Cas.

“The human you took from Hell?” Sam asked curiously.

“Yeah,” Dean said, a tendril of grace slipping to meld with his brother. That often helped his moods too. “That’s the one.”

“What did Castiel do?”

“He wants me to send him back,” Dean growled out. “He fucking wants me to take him back to Hell. What kind of masochistic asshole wants to be in Hell?”

“I have no idea,” Sam said, sounding bemused. “Did he say why?”

“Only that he belonged there and that he thought he deserved to be there. Does he not understand that there’s no coming out of there? Seriously, if I hadn’t pulled him out, he’d have been tortured until he became a demon, or his soul was snapped and shredded into tiny pieces. There’s no other options.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t understand all of that Dean, did you tell him that?”

Damn Sam and his reasonable mind. “No,” Dean said grumpily. “It doesn’t matter though, I mean, it should be obvious that being there is bad. He should thank me for pulling him out, not yell at me about it.”

“Did he yell at you?” Sam asked, fully amused now. “That must have been a new experience.”

“Shut up,” Dean snapped, yanking his grace back. It wasn’t helping to have it joined with his brother. “It doesn’t matter if I’m used to being yelled at, this is different.”

“Yeah, it’s different because you actually seem to care about his opinion of you. That’s new.”

“No I don’t,” Dean argued, but when he thought about it, he knew that some of what Sam was saying was right. For some reason he did care what Cas thought. “Anyway, he doesn’t care, he wants to return and he’s running away from his family.” Dean didn’t know why that bothered him as well, but since it did, he went ahead and told Sam.

“He’s running away from his family? I wonder if he’s trying to protect them?” Sam said curiously. Dean rounded on his brother, streaks of red coursing through his grace.

“Why would running away from his family protect them? That doesn’t make any sense. If he wanted to protect his family, he should be there with them to do so. That’s the basics.”

“Not everyone feels that way,” Sam said gently. “Some people feel that the best way to protect family is to stay away so no one can get to them through their family. Especially if his family is unaware of him being alive again, it’s even more likely he is thinking that way. What they don’t know can’t hurt them.”

“That’s stupid,” Dean said, gaze steady on Sam. “Everyone knows that doesn’t work. If you stay away from people you want to protect, they’re more likely to get injured, not less. They’re less protected, less covered, they don’t know what dangers are waiting for them. Sam, you’re not making any sense.” Except that Sam was, and Dean hated it. Had Dean done the wrong thing by bringing Cas back, for everyone involved? He had just wanted to do something to ease the boredom, but now he was emotionally invested in the outcome and that kind of bothered him. Dean wasn’t the type to get invested in human lives. They were so short and fleeting.

“I think you have some other kind of issue here Dean,” Sam said, brushing his grace across Dean’s in a caress. “Why is what Castiel thinks important to you? No,” he held up a tendril of grace to prevent Dean talking. “Don’t say anything, just think about it, okay? I don’t want the answer now, but, someday. You need to find it out for yourself. Because once you know why his opinion matters, you’ll know what to do next.” He stood up and their graces merged for a brief moment before he headed away.

“Sam?” Dean said softly, watching Sam. There was so much he wanted to know, so much he wanted to understand, but he wasn’t the type to really delve into his feelings or his emotions. Angel’s weren’t supposed to have those things, but Dean had always figured he had more than most because of all the time he spent in vessels. “Thanks.”

“Sure Dean,” Sam said. “Anytime.”

*

“God! No!” Dean heard Castiel cry out in the middle of the night a few days later. The sound of it rushed through Dean’s grace and he was next to Castiel in moments. The panic and fear washed over Dean as he entered the motel room, not on the proper plane of existence to interact with the beings there.

Cas was tied to a chair, mostly nude, and four demons were taking turns cutting him with a knife. Dean would be smiting them right that instant if he could. The demons were laughing at Cas as he bled on the carpet.

“This is fun,” one of them said, pressing a finger into one of the cuts. “You bleed nicely.”

“Yeah,” another agreed. “We heard you escaped, but you aren’t anything, are you? Just a silly little human that got out somehow.”

“Please,” Cas gasped. “Please, I don’t understand what you are talking about.”

Was Cas trying to convince them he didn’t remember Hell? It didn’t matter, Dean wasn’t about to let them kill Cas. He just wouldn’t.

Disappearing and rushing to his vessel, he woke the sleeping man up. “Let me inside again,” Dean asked, and his vessel opened his eyes.

“No,” the man said, shaking his head. “Is that you Dean? No. Look, my body isn’t for hopping into whenever you want to. I have work in the morning.”

“You will make it to your job in the morning. I need you for the night,” Dean said. He wasn’t lying, he *needed* him for the night.

“Find someone else,” his vessel said, turning on his side and pulling the covers up his body.

“I can’t. You’re my vessel, I need you. The man I saw before, he is in danger. There are demons hurting him.”

“Then kill the demons. You don’t need me for that.”

“I do,” Dean said getting impatient. “I am not on the same wavelength as they are, so I can’t touch them. I must be in a vessel to do that.”

“Then find another vessel.”

“I already said I can’t do that!” Dean snapped, and the force of his rising panic rushed through the apartment building, making it shake. “I need you. Don’t you see, I can’t do this without you!”

There was silence for a time, and just when Dean was about to say something more, his vessel turned on to his stomach and spoke. “I don’t like being rushed around like that. When you are inside me… I can feel you, I can hear your mind.”

“You can’t hear my mind,” Dean scoffed. “I’m a celestial wavelength of intent. You’re hearing my actions.”

“Fine,” his vessel rolled his eyes. “I’m hearing your actions, and they’re so… strong. What you feel Dean… I don’t know if I can handle another dose of it. It’s intense.”

“Of course it is, I’m an Angel.” What was this? The man couldn’t handle a little bit of Dean’s power? That was silly.

“Have you ever talked to anyone about your personal issues?” his vessel asked, then he shook his head. “Of course you haven’t. You’re like me, aren’t you? Not the type to talk to anyone about who you are, or what’s bothering you.”

“I talk to my brother sometime. Please,” Dean’s voice lowered and he allowed his fear for Cas to seep over from his grace to his vessel. “I want to help him.”

Another bit of silence before his vessel nodded. “Alright, but Dean, you can’t just do this whenever you want to. I need to know in advance next time so I can set something up with my boss, okay?”

Dean was already slipping into his vessel as he nodded his head. “I’ll see what I can do. I never know when I’ll need to borrow a body, so I can’t promise anything.”

“At least you’re being honest,” his vessel chuckled, and then Dean was fully inside of him, and sitting up in the bed.

Dean was naked, and although the thought of going to Castiel nude to smite demons was kind of amusing, he decided that it would be a bad idea. Rushing out of the bed, he went to the closet and started pulling clothes out. Jeans, t-shirt, the leather jacket and the nice, strong boots were on in moments, and then he was moving to Castiel.

By the time he got there, the demons were taking turns abusing Cas in different ways. One was punching him, another was cutting Cas’ feet and toes, and a third was breaking Cas’ fingers while the fourth watched. His appearance surprised all of them, but they didn’t get a chance to register much else before he began the smiting.

The one watching was dead in seconds, the one punching next. He was attacked by the one with the knife, but Dean flung his wing out with a sharp twist using the air to push him back and against the wall. The last had her fingers on Castiel’s neck and was digging her fingers into his skin.

“You back the fuck off,” she said. “Or I’ll slit his throat.”

“Do it,” Dean said with a shrug, feeling his power surge through his body. “I’ll bring him back, bitch.” Then he reached out a hand and pressed it to her face so quickly that she was able to dig her fingers into Cas’ neck, but not deeply enough to cut the vein. He sent his power rushing through his vessel until she was burned out of her body and then he turned his angry eyes on the last demon.

“You’re not getting away,” he said, moving towards him. The demon took that as a hint and he rushed out of his body, but Dean reached out, focused his grace on the blackness and pressed it back into the body. “I said no,” he growled, burning the demon with the purity of light and when the body slumped to the ground, he looked around the room, eyes angry even though calm had settled deep in his stomach.

“Dean?” Cas whispered. “What the hell?”

Dean was a soldier, he knew how to fight, how to kill, how to deal damage with every bit of his body, but for the first time, he didn’t want to be a soldier. Rushing over to Cas and kneeling in front of him, he brushed his fingers across Cas’ cheek, healing the skin as he did so. “Yeah Cas, I’m right here. I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner, my vessel didn’t want me to take over his body again.” What he wanted instead was to take care of Cas, make sure he was okay.

Cas coughed and Dean reached behind the chair, slicing through the ropes tying Cas’ wrists together. Dean held Cas’ hands tenderly, focused for a moment on perfectly healing every vein and bone before moving on to Cas’ chest and arms.

“Who were those people?” Cas asked, looking around at the bodies as Dean healed Cas’ legs and feet.

“Demons. What, you didn’t know?” Dean asked, looking up from his work. “You were in Hell for a long time, how did you not know they were demons?”

“I…” Cas shook his head. “They had black eyes.”

“Right.” What was confusing Cas?

“The demon I dealt with had red eyes,” he said.

“You made a deal with a crossroads demon?” Dean asked, raising his eyebrows before shaking his head. “Of course you did.”

“Why else do you think I was in Hell?” Cas asked.

“I don’t know why you were in Hell, I just knew you were there. What’d you wish for?” Now that he knew, he was curious.

Cas took a deep breath and looked down at his hands. “My daughter’s life. She was just an infant, but she was dying. Claire wouldn’t have made it past the year, but my deal gave her a full recovery. It wasn’t enough for her to be healed, she had to be perfect, strong enough to handle anything. Now she is. It was worth it.” He had a small smile on his face.

“You could have prayed to God, you know?” Dean said, running his hands lightly up Cas’ legs, liking the feel of them under his fingers. That was unusual.

“I did,” the smile was gone in an instant and Cas looked over at Dean, bitterness in his scowl. “*God* didn’t do anything. If he ever cared about his creations he has stopped.” There was a pause. “Actually, I don’t really know anymore about that. What I know is that Claire was suffering, and she was everything I wanted. God was going to take her away from us, even though my wife gave her whole body to birthing Claire. Praying did nothing to alleviate the pain we suffered. What else was I to do?” The roughness in Cas’ voice rushed through Dean, sending a small shiver down Dean’s back.

“Realize that not everything is about you?” Dean asked, leaving his hand on Cas’ knee. It felt right there. “It’s about the balance. I know it doesn’t seem fair, and it doesn’t seem right, but everything happens -” but he was cut off, and a part of him was glad. Hearing the shit he mocked in Heaven being spewed out of his own mouth just made him sick.

“Don’t you dare tell me that everything happens for a reason,” Cas snarled. “That’s… not acceptable. If she was brought into the world, she should have been given a fighting chance. Instead she was set up to die. What was so important that Claire’s death would set God’s scales right? You know what, I don’t even care. I love my daughter. She’s perfect, she’ll always be perfect, and I did the right thing. Nothing you say can make me regret my decision.”

The way Cas’ eyes glint in fury was kind of hot, and Dean felt his vessel’s pulse begin to pound a little harder. Unexpected. “Fine,” Dean said, raising his hands. “I don’t really understand it myself. I know there’s a balance I’m not supposed to fuck with.”

Cas frowned. “But you brought me back,” he said softly.

“*You* weren’t supposed to die,” Dean said, lightly poking Cas’ bare chest. “She was.”

They stared at each other in silence for a few moments before Cas shrugged and Dean moved back so Cas could stand up. He was a little disappointed when Cas reached for a pair of jeans, pulling them up his legs. “Fine,” Cas said. “So. I need to say thank you this time, I think.” He looked over at Dean and crossed his arms. “I’m hungry, can I buy you something to eat?”

Dean found a smile forming on his face. “Yeah. Is there a place that has good pie around here?”

*

They pulled into a Perkin’s and Dean gave a small smile. “Yeah,” he said with a nod. “This’ll do.”

Cas raised his eyebrows at Dean, but got out and headed into the restaurant. Dean was right behind him, wondering what the pie of the month was. He’d developed quite a sweet tooth over time, and pie was the thing that lured him the most.

Once they were seated, Cas looked over at Dean. “How did you know I was being harmed?”

“Oh, well, you prayed,” Dean said, looking over the peach pie options. Maybe he’d get one of each?

“I prayed?” Cas frowned. “I prayed to God.”

“Yep.” Dean looked up at the server, ordered a tall glass of milk and one of each of their special peach pies. Cas got a burger with fries and a shake. Once she was gone, Cas returned his gaze to Dean.

“You’re not God.”

“Nope.” Dean crossed his arms. “Keep guessing.”

“If you’re not God, and I prayed to God, then…” Cas went silent for a moment, then his eyes widened. “Our prayers go to Angels?”

“Yep.” Dean grinned. “See, the devout figured it out. Hey,” he tilted his head to one side. “That rhymed.”

Rolling his eyes, Castiel shook his head. “So all of our prayers fall on deaf ears. God never hears us.” He sounded disappointed, and a little angry.

“I don’t count as deaf ears,” Dean said, lowering his arms and glaring. “We hear every prayer on earth, and we do what we can to help. That’s what Angel’s are for.”

“I thought Angel’s were Heaven’s Soldiers,” Cas argued.

“We are. Good call. Soldiers have two responsibilities. One is to fight, the other is to protect. Fighters fight for the common good, or for their leaders. God is the leader, we do what he commands. Yes? Make sense?” Dean watched Cas, trying to understand all the thoughts behind his blue eyes. Well, or he just wanted to stare into Cas’ eyes, it was hard to tell which it was anymore.

“You can kill with just a touch?” Cas asked, eyes traveling to Dean’s hands. “Anything? Anyone?”

“No,” Dean said, stretching his hand across the table so Cas could look at it better. “It’s just a hand to a human. It’s just a hand to most creatures. To a demon though, it’s death.”

Cas looked down at Dean’s hand and reached out to touch it, fingers lightly brushing across the back before turning it over and staring at the palm. “You just… kill them?”

“Not exactly.” Dean frowned. He’d never tried to explain smiting to someone before. Mainly because he was usually around angels. “It’s a purification.”

“But it destroys them.” Cas glanced up at Dean. “You said so.”

“It destroys the demon, not the human soul. It’s…” Dean searched for the right words. “A demon is a twisted human. The human was in Hell, was tortured until the blackness inside took over and the human soul was no longer pure. When an angel smites, they’re destroying the evil, the black, and making the soul pure energy, pure light. That gets absorbed into the angel smiting, or it goes to Heaven, supplying the cosmos with energy.”

“So, demons are, fuel?” Cas asked, his hand still in Dean’s, warm, comfortable.

“Sort of,” Dean nodded. “It’s not the demon part that’s fuel, but yeah, I think you get it.”

“Human souls, the ones that go to Heaven, are they fuel as well?” Cas looked up at Dean, his eyes searching Dean for something. Understanding?

“No,” Dean shook his head. “Not exactly.” With a smile, Dean said, “Look, this is stuff you aren’t really supposed to know anyway, not while you’re alive.”

“What happens to human souls?” Cas said, voice firm, eyes hard.

“I can’t tell you all that,” Dean said, wanting to keep talking to Cas, but knowing he couldn’t. “There are things I just can’t talk about. Human souls in Heaven, they keep the balance, okay? Just… you can know that much.” Why did he want to talk to Cas about the inner workings of Heaven? Was it because the interest Cas showed was refreshing, or because the way he was demanding answers was kind of… thrilling?

“You told me about smiting,” Cas pointed out.

“That’s different,” Dean smirked, and then there was food, and their hands snapped back to each of their sides so quickly that the table rocked slightly.

Once all four plates were set in front of Dean and the server had left, he started eating with pleasure. Yeah, pie, that was perfect. He hummed in delight and closed his eyes. The sweetness mixed with the pastry, just divine.

[](http://imgur.com/yUsTVa9)

“You really like pie. Or is it the peach bit?” Cas asked a few minutes in.

“It’s the pie. See, a pie isn’t just fruit, it’s crust and sweet and spices and…” he opened his eyes and looked at Cas, who was staring at him in amusement. “So much more?” he finally said, clearing his throat and looking down at the pies in front of him. “Is it strange?”

“You’re an angel. You’re eating pie. You tell me, is it strange?” Cas sounded pleased.

“Yeah, I guess I’m a strange Angel, but you know, it doesn’t bother me. I wouldn’t want to be one of those stuffy boys upstairs.”

“What are the others like?” Now his voice was soft, as though he wasn’t certain he was allowed to ask.

“Tell me something Cas,” Dean said, leaning in to distract Cas from that line of questioning. He didn’t like to talk about his brothers and sisters. “If you believed, if you truly believed in the love of God, why did you sell yourself for your family?”

Cas met Dean’s eyes and held his gaze. There was something deep, something so private and yet so open that Dean found himself holding his breath as he watched Cas. “Isn’t that what you do for family?” he asked, and Dean considered his own family.

The backstabbing, the rules and regulations, the fights and the lack of trust. Would he give up his own life, as that was the only thing an Angel had really, would he give it up for any of them? For many of them, the answer was no, but when he thought of Sam he got a small smile on his face. Sitting up straight, he felt that maybe, just maybe, he could understand where Cas was coming from.

“Yeah Cas, I guess, yeah, that’s something you would do for family.”

*

“So you think I can defend myself?” Cas said, and Dean nodded as they entered a different hotel room. “I’m no fighter.”

“It’s all a matter of having the right tools,” Dean said, going over to the bed and tossing himself across it. ‘You promised I’d get to work on time,’ his vessel’s soul protested. ‘Yeah,’ Dean agreed. ‘That was an accidental lie.’ Dean could already tell he’d be working with Cas for potentially weeks.

“You think it is simply a matter of tools? Tell me then, what are they?” Cas asked, pulling the chair from the table and sitting on it backwards, staring at Dean as he did so.

“Salt, for one. Holy water, knowing some Latin.” Dean shrugged. “I’ll teach you what you need to survive, and if you listen to me you’ll be fine.”

“You don’t think I should just let them -” Cas started, but Dean clapped his hands together, startling Cas.

“No,” he said, face stern. “Absolutely not. You fight to live, that’s how it works now. Look, I’m sorry it’s not going to be an easy road, but you’ve got plenty of life left to live, so just learn to deal with it, okay? I’m not going anywhere until you can protect yourself.”

“Fine,” Cas sighed. “Can we get started in the morning then? I’ve got to get some sleep.”

‘I have work!’

‘Fine, look, how about I call your work, call you off, and then win you the lottery or something?’ There was silence then a grumbling noise of agreement.

“That’s cool, I have a call to make,” Dean pulled the cell phone out of his pocket and Cas stared at him curiously. “I have to call my vessel off work.”

“Your vessel?” Cas asked, brows furrowing. His eyes traveled up and down Dean’s body. “The body you are in, you are inhabiting someone human? You are the same as a demon then, you just take over an innocents body?”

“No,” Dean rolled his eyes. “I have to ask permission, demon’s don’t.” He started dialing and then he left a quick message on the answering machine at the garage.

“You ask permission?” Cas asked once Dean was off the phone. “How do you choose who’s body you take?”

“It’s a bloodline thing. Very complicated.” Dean stood up and nodded at Cas. “Go on, get sleep. I’ll watch over you.”

*

“Do you miss them?” Dean asked, putting another rosary into a bottle of water and blessing it. Cas was sitting on his bed and staring at a framed picture of his family in his hands.

Cas looked up sharply and blinked at Dean. “Who?”

Dean nodded at the picture. “Your family.”

For weeks now Dean had been working with Cas on how to protect himself from demons, and Cas was picking things up quickly. The Latin had taken about a week to get memorized and now Dean was working on devil’s traps. He was a little proud of how quickly Cas was learning.

“Oh,” Cas looked away and put the picture on the nightstand. “I suppose so.”

“You *suppose*?” Dean raised his eyebrows and leaned back on the bed. “But you don’t know?”

Sighing, Castiel turned to look at Dean again. “They were my family, of course I loved them very much, but… I don’t want to harm them. My current situation does not lend towards them being a part of my life.”

“You didn’t want to return to them when you first came back,” Dean pointed out.

“I know. I was scared, that they would reject me.” Cas had opened up more over the time the two of them had been living together and Dean loved these moments.

It wasn’t as though they didn’t argue or tick each other off, but in the end there was a strange sort of understanding between the two of them. Cas always knew that Dean was looking out for him, and Dean knew Cas didn’t feel comfortable being alone yet.

“Why would they reject you Cas?” Dean asked gently, and Dean’s gaze flew to Cas’ teeth, which were chewing lightly on Cas’ bottom lip.

“Amelia and I… we’ve had some tough times,” he said finally. “As you know, I was very devout. She was too, but not quite as devout as I was. When Claire was dying as a baby, she and I fought quite a bit. Amelia still believed God would take care of our daughter, and I stopped believing completely. When I made my deal, I had believed God had abandoned us, possibly did not exist at all. The situation…” Cas trailed off and Dean nodded his head, allowing his gaze to return to Cas’ bright blue eyes.

“Her faith was restored, and yours was destroyed?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded. “Yes.”

“If her faith was restored, why would she reject you?”

“I told her, before I left to confront the Hell Hounds, that I was going, and would not return,” Cas said. Dean raised his eyebrows.

“Why?”

“I didn’t want her to think…” Cas trailed off and looked away, staring out the window. “Actually, I believe a part of me desired for her to know that I was going to die that evening. Maybe I wanted her to be upset with me, I don’t know. She asked me if I was having an affair, I told her no. We had not been very close these last few years. The only thing keeping us together was Claire.”

“Every relationship struggles Cas. You never know, you might have made it work.” Even as Dean said that, he felt a bit sick imagining Cas with the woman who was his wife.

“No,” Cas shook his head. “I love her, loved her.” Even though his voice was normally low, at that moment it was thick and rough, and the sound of it sent a shiver through Dean’s body. “I would do anything for her, even now. The problem is, I cannot be with her. We are… like gasoline and fire. Explosive when put too closely together. Claire is the only thing we have in common, or even care about.”

Dean stood and came over to sit next to Cas, placing a hand on his thigh. The heat from that gesture seeped into Dean and he offered Cas a small smile. “Life is full of changes. I wanted you to return to them, but I guess I’m kind of glad you didn’t. I’m pleased I get to spend some time with you.”

Cas snorted and looked over at Dean. “I see. You just want me to yourself now then?”

It was supposed to be frivolous, a throw away comment that made them both laugh. Instead, Dean felt his heart pounding fiercely in his chest, and he wanted nothing more than to show Cas that yes, he wanted to spend a long, long time with Cas.

Angels never wanted to stay with humans. What was wrong with him?

“That’s right Cas,” Dean grinned, trying to keep the mood light. “I just want to keep you.”

*

“Because it’s creepy, that’s why,” Cas snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. “Watching me sleep at night? Unacceptable. I thought you were… I don’t know, around, but not actively staring at me Dean.”

Frowning at Cas, Dean shook his head. “I’ve been doing this for weeks, why is it bothering you now?”

“I didn’t know your habits then, now I do. I need you to leave, do something else for the evening and please don’t return until I’m awake. I have no interest in you watching me sleep.”

Even though he was a little bit upset by Cas’ frustrated words, Dean didn’t show it. “It’s not like I have much else to do. I told you I’d watch over you, and that’s what I’m doing. Remember, I’ve been training you and -”

“That’s no excuse to watch me sleep.” Cas had that super stubborn look in his eyes. “Leave. There is nothing you need to do while I’m sleeping.”

“You can’t really protect yourself while you’re sleeping Cas,” Dean protested, feeling stubborn himself. “For crying out loud, just let me -”

“No. I’m not going to sleep until you go away. In fact, I’m not even getting into bed until you do. I want privacy, the kind of privacy that requires a promise. No hanging around looking down through the ceiling. Go, get yourself some pie or something. Take my cash, go to Perkin’s, go to a bar, I don’t care, just don’t stay here.”

Dean didn’t want to comply. He wanted to stay, watch over Cas, keep him safe, but Cas did have a few points. For one, Cas knew how to sprinkle salt, and say the right words, and if nothing else, Cas knew how to pray. He even knew that would bring Dean to him. Sighing, he shrugged and shook his head.

“If you insist -” he started, and Cas sighed himself.

“Yes, I insist. Thank you, go away.” He made shooing motions with his hands, and Dean reached for Cas’ wallet, pulled out a couple of twenties and then disappeared.

‘Promise?’ he heard Cas offer in prayer, and with a sigh, he appeared again.

“I promise Cas,” he said with a rolling of his eyes.

“Good. See you in the morning.” Cas gave him a small smile, and Dean disappeared again.

There was a ‘Thank you,’ from Cas and he could hear the relief in Cas’ thoughts. Why did Cas want to be alone so badly anyway?

It wasn’t like Dean had no idea what to do all night. When he’d been on earth before he’d run the gambit of human activities. Forget the pie, he thought he’d go for beer instead. Heading right for the nearest bar and walking up to the counter, he ordered, smiling at the female bartender.

“Long day?” she asked suggestively, leaning on the bar to allow her ample cleavage to show. Dean didn’t bother looking away, he took a sip of his beer and slid his gaze from breasts to face.

“No, just got into an argument with a friend.” He shrugged. “Been a pretty good day besides that.”

“What’d you argue about?” Her eyes were a nice, rich brown, not at all like Cas’ bright blue, but nice nonetheless.

“Stupid stuff. Isn’t that always what friends argue about?” The beer wasn’t half bad, but if he wanted to even feel a buzz, he’d have to drink faster, so he chugged half the bottle.

“Good friends, yeah. You’re heading through that quickly. Want something to chase it with?”

“Whiskey,” Dean nodded, licking his lips. When the shot was poured, she leaned close to him again.

“So, you two still friends?”

“Yeah,” Dean laughed. “Can’t get rid of me that easy. Just a little fight, nothing to worry about. Things’ll be fine in the morning.”

“She better treat you right,” the bartender smiled, red lips glistening in the lights. She had pouty, full lips, the kind Dean liked to see wrapped around his cock. Only, for some reason, when he thought about that, he got an image of Cas between his legs instead.

“It’s a he,” Dean said quickly, banishing the image. What the hell was that?

“Oh? So you swing for that team, do you?”

“No,” Dean gasped out, shaking his head and smirking at her. He hadn’t ever before that was. “No, I like the ladies, thank you.” He liked curves, full breasts, flat chest, no, no… Now he had Cas stripping out of dirty clothes running through his head. What the hell?

She laughed and nodded at Dean. “Good to know I’m not wasting my time then.” Then she refilled Dean’s shot and he finished it as well as his beer.

“Not wasting your time,” Dean smiled. Dean didn’t have any issues with men on men, but he’d usually been in male vessels and he’d never found any man particularly attractive. Women, now that was something else. Dean had fallen quite easily into the role of playboy when it came to women. He took a sip of his beer and looked out at the crowd. Yeah, women were still sexy hot, and he found them more than a little attractive. None of the men interested him, but when he closed his eyes and thought about sex, he just kept getting images of Cas.

He saw Cas’ eyes as he smiled, the way Cas would grumble if he thought Dean wasn’t being honest, his strong arms flexing with sweat as he worked out in the sun with Dean. All these images ran through Dean’s head and he wondered if it was possible that he was starting to like someone for some reason other than their body. It was the only thing that could possibly make sense, right?

He turned back to the bar, and heard a soft snicker in his mind. ‘You have been looking at Cas like he was a delicious piece of ass ever since you first took over my body,’ his vessel said.

‘I have not,’ Dean protested, and he would have said more, except he felt a familiar tug, and his grace was ripped out of his vessel.

*

Feeling the quick shift of air pressure and the dizzying summons to Heaven, Dean closed his eyes and waited until there was something solid under his grace. When he opened them, he saw that he was inside a cage. It was made of Holy Metal, the only metal that could hold an angel prisoner. Indignation rose through his core and he looked around for the being responsible for putting him here.

Then his gaze fell on Archangel Michael and he paused. “What?” he managed to say.

Grace swirling with anger, Michael was focused completely on Dean and he came closer to the cage. All that anger aimed at Dean was rather disconcerting. “You have not only disobeyed Heaven’s laws, you blatantly disrupt the natural order of things for your own amusement! You’re nothing but a disgrace, nothing but a horrible excuse for a foot soldier. You think you can do whatever you want and you cannot. Now, you have to answer for the crimes you have committed!”

Dean shrank away a bit from the onslaught of Archangel wrath and paused completely, watching Michael closely. He’d never been in *this* much trouble before. Usually he could sneak away before getting caught. Something must have really irritated… oh yeah, he wasn’t supposed to leave Heaven. “I’m sorry?” he offered.

“Do you really believe “I’m sorry” will work?” Michael asked, a tendril of grace touching the bars of the cage as he leaned closer. “You see, you aren’t repenting. The point of you being punished is for you to repent. We have made a decision now. You will stay here. In this cage. For at the very least, fifty years. This is punishment for your disobedience, and we are hoping that you will learn the meaning of the word repent. Besides that, we think it will take at least that long to clean up all your messes on Earth.”

“Fifty years!?” Dean hollered, not even thinking about what he was saying. “I can’t stay in here for fifty years! I have things to do, places to be!” People to talk to, to help. What would Cas do without him for fifty years? For all Dean knew, Cas would be dead by then. No, he couldn’t… he had to…

“And if you even think, even consider for a moment, trying to pull yourself out of here before that time, let me tell you why you won’t.” Michael leaned in closer, his grace oozing disgust out and letting it wash over Dean. “You would need an accomplice for that, and not only you, but your accomplice, would get Heaven’s strictest punishment.” Dean felt his Grace shiver as Michael’s voice lowered and he whispered, “Stripping of all rank, all privileges, loss of your wings and a total fall from grace. You will become mortal, left to live on that rock under your feet until you age and die. If you are lucky, and you have learned your lesson, then perhaps you can return to Heaven and stay. If not, when you die, you will also be killed by angel blade. We will make you an example for any Angel who considers doing what you have done. Am I making myself perfectly clear?”

Dean was trembling, cowering from the fury that was held in check by Michael’s will. “Yes,” he whispered, not liking how the Archangel could make him feel, not liking the way he was running away from Michael, unable to stop being afraid. That was the power of Michael, that was the privilege of being one of the “chosen”.

“Good,” Michael said, Grace returning to swirl around him in a tall spire. “Then we are settled here. You can have visitors, of course, and some will want to see you in all your… glory. You just can’t leave. Consider your fate, and repent Dean.”

Then he walked out and Dean slumped into the corner of the cage, trying not to think about how long fifty years was for a human, and what that would mean to Cas.

*

By the time Sam managed to get to see Dean, plenty of angels had already come and gone. Some to look, some to be afraid, some to poke fun, but none of them knew why Dean had done the things he had. When Sam entered the room he closed the door behind himself and locked it. He wanted privacy with his brother.

“Sam,” Dean said, looking over at Sam. Sam could see the frustration and irritation flowing off of Dean in waves of red and purple.

“Yeah Dean,” Sam said with a nod, coming close to the cage and sitting down in front of it. “You really made a mess this time.”

“I guess,” he sighed. “I’m more worried about Cas though.”

That was interesting. Dean never worried about anyone other than himself. “Yeah? Why?”

“I got him into this mess Sammy,” Dean said, leaning back. “I pulled him from Hell, I put him back in his body, I made him run from his family, I am at fault for him being tortured by demons, it’s me Sammy. All me.”

Depression, that was new. “Dean, you can blame yourself for many things but you can’t blame yourself for everything. For one, he could simply have killed himself. Suicide is a straight ticket back to Hell, as a devout man he would have known that.”

“Oh.” Dean went silent for a time and then finally looked over at Sam. “Right. I… didn’t think of that.”

“Besides that, you did raise him from Hell. Where he was being tortured. Very rarely are souls in Hell deserving of the punishment they have. Certainly the desire to help his family wasn’t something that should have warranted him total and complete eternity in the pit. That isn’t a fair system, and you raising him should have made him thankful. You can’t be faulted for his desires to return. He felt he needed the punishment, even though he didn’t. You can’t possibly be his conscience, nor can you force him to see that he truly didn’t deserve the punishments that were inflicted on him.”

“You know,” Dean said, the red fading to pink and the purple going a bit violet. “Sometimes I hate you Sammy.” But there was a happiness to the words that made Sam smile.

“So tell me about him Dean. You’ve spent quite some time in his presence, tell me what you like.”

“Well,” Dean shrugged. “He’s irritating, for one. I don’t know if that’s something I like, but it’s a truth anyway. He gets on my nerves, but when he came to realize he really was getting a second chance, he really applied himself to learning how to protect himself from the demons. I mean…”

Sam listened as Dean went on and on about the good and bad points of Castiel Novak. There were some really good points, and some really horrible ones, but when Sam managed to laugh a few times, he realized he kind of wanted to meet the man himself. Dean painted him brightly with the words he used, and it didn’t take long for Sam to realize that Dean didn’t just like Castiel. He loved the other man.

“So. Do you know?” Sam asked finally, once Dean had mostly told him everything about the time he’d been on earth.

“What?” Dean asked, speaking as though he was coming out of a trance. Watching him, Sam thought that was a fairly accurate description of what happened.

“Do you know? About how you feel Dean,” Sam tried again, a little more gently now.

“I feel like you aren’t telling me the exact question.” There was something else there though, a second layer under the words that proved to Sam that Dean was having trouble dealing with something. Something personal. Dean didn’t like to actually deal with emotions so Sam allowed some of his grace to slip in and lightly touch Dean’s.

“Dean. Talk to me. What’s bothering you?” He knew it had to do with Castiel, but Sam wouldn’t know exactly what until Dean talked to him.

“I don’t know Sammy,” Dean sighed and Sam kept his grace right there with Dean. “Something happened, was happening, when I was brought back up here. I was… realizing something that I didn’t really… something I don’t really…” he trailed off and stopped talking.

“No judgment Dean. Never any. Not from me.” Sam sent a wave of his own love for his brother to Dean, his grace sinking a little into Dean’s.

“Yeah.” Dean nodded and he sat up a bit straighter, more vibrant color coming to him. “See, there’s this thing. I’ve always gravitated towards male vessels. Not that I haven’t been in female ones, just… usually male, right?”

“Right.”

“And I’ve spent a lot of time in vessels Sam, like, a lot, like, so much time in vessels. I like to get my hands dirty, so to speak. I enjoy the vessel, I like finding how they work, I like being inside of them. It’s fun, and it can be so… enriching.”

“I know about your obsessive compulsive behavior when it comes to vessels Dean. Go on.”

“Well,” he made a shrugging gesture. “The thing is, I’ve always identified with being straight. You know? I’ve had sex with women, and I enjoy it a whole ton.”

“You know that’s forbidden, Dean,” Sam said, shaking his head in mock horror. He knew his brother did that, but he always felt like he needed to remind Dean of the possible issues of fornicating with humans. “You could have a child down there by now.”

“Naw,” Dean laughed. “I’m careful. Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time.”

“No, but it would be something that could kick you out of Heaven permanently,” Sam reminded him.

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you’re missing the point. The point is, I’ve tried men, but it was never all that interesting. You know, anal sex is just… anal sex. It’s tighter, it feels good, but I’ve never really preferred it, nor have I sought it out past the first decision to see what it was like. I like breasts though, and curves. Most men don’t really have curves. Well, not the way women have curves.” He was getting aroused, and Sam poked his brother.

“Come back to Heaven, Dean,” Sam said, and Dean chuckled.

“Yeah, sorry. So there I was, in this bar, drinking, eying up the bartender, and enjoying looking at the rack she had on her, when I realized the thoughts of having sex kept going to Cas. So, like, usually I’d look at lips and imagine them on my dick, right? But this time, this time when I did, her lips disappeared, and Cas’ face sprang fully formed into my mind. It was so hot Sam. So amazingly hot. Then I imagined her naked, but the breasts became a flat chest, solid and tanned from being out in the sun. I thought of arms, and instead of the twigs she had, they were firmly muscled, wrapping around me. When I close my grace now, I can see him under me, sweating, gasping for breath while I pound inside of him, my name falling off his lips again and again and dear lord!” Dean gasped, and Sam could see the waves of arousal that was floating around Dean. He slipped his grace out of the cage so it wouldn’t affect him.

“Yeah Dean, you’ve got it bad,” Sam said, amused. “You know what this is, right?”

“Sexual attraction to a human? The thing is… I don’t want to just have sex and go away. I mean, I imagine waking up next to him, or showering with him, or just…” Dean sighed and closed himself off, pulling the arousal into his grace and locking it away tightly. “Just being with him. What the hell does that mean?”

Sam reached in again and held on to Dean. “It’s called love, you idiot. I’m pretty sure you fell for Castiel when he was in Hell. I can’t imagine any other reason you’d have brought that particular human out of Hell.”

“I thought… you know, he was interesting. But now, now what am I going to do? I’m stuck in here for fifty years, I’m never going to be able to spend that kind of time with him. He’ll be in Heaven and then I’ll never get to be with him.”

“I’m so sorry Dean,” Sam said. He couldn’t imagine what he could say to make his brother feel better.

“That’s only if he comes to Heaven. The way he’s going, he’ll end up in Hell again and then…” he trembled. “You know, I’m really worried about that. About Cas ending up in the pit again.”

“Given how you feel about him, I can understand why you’d be worried.” Making a split decision to watch over Castiel the best he could, Sam pat Dean a bit. “Look, I’ll do what I can for him, okay? Try to keep him on the right path. I know you can’t get out of here, so I’ll see if I can be you for a little while.”

Sam could feel the amusement washing over him. “Don’t be me Sammy, you’ll get tossed in here with me.”

“Never,” Sam laughed. “I’m the good son.”

*

“Dean, where have you gone? I didn’t ask you to leave permanently, just… while I was sleeping. Please, come back. I’ve begun to settle in this town and have been working as an accountant. It’s boring, but I think that’s okay. There has been no more demon activity lately. I have a great sense of relief in knowing I can handle myself even if there is, but I’d feel better if you were still here. Why aren’t you here?”

Sam wished Dean could hear Castiel’s prayers. Dean would enjoy knowing that he wasn’t forgotten, given how interested in Castiel he was. If only the cage didn’t block all communication that wasn’t direct. However, Castiel’s prayers changed over four months.

“Dean, I miss you. I can’t stop thinking about you, even now. The way you would talk to me, how we would be close, but not too close. I think… there was something else there, wasn’t there Dean? Did you leave because you knew, somewhere inside, that I was starting to fall for you? I swear I would not act on these impulses, no matter how deeply they affect me. You can return, please return. I will be a friend, a comrade, nothing more. Dear God, if you are listening, please cleanse me of these thoughts. I do not wish to cause You strife with one of Your Angels. This is one sided, do not punish Dean for my evil lust. In Your name, Amen.”

Did Castiel love Dean? Sam watched Castiel pray, watched him go from job to home, to job to home, looking at the ornamental pear tree in his front yard every day and comparing the color of the leaves to Dean’s eyes. Castiel once ran two blocks following a man with spiky dishwater blond hair before he caught up with him, and realized it wasn’t Dean. Was there just a deep friendship mixed with sexual tension?

“Dean,” Castiel prayed again. “Have I chased you away forever? I… I miss you so much. The house feels empty without you around. Although I work out, it is not the same as doing sit ups with you holding down my feet, or jogging with you next to me. Please, I need you to come back. Can’t you come back?”

“I have been rereading the bible Dean. I do not find it as inspiring as I used to, but I have faith again, which you have given back to me. I realize, as it has been five months now, that you left to make me stronger. I still miss you, but I will continue on knowing that you were here, and you helped me. Please be well Dean. I will never forget you.”

Sam was searching his bloodlines to find the appropriate one to send the original works of God to Castiel when he saw demons approaching Castiel’s house. They didn’t stay, just slipped a manila envelope under the door and left. That was curious. Watching Castiel closely when he came home that night, he literally peered over Castiel’s shoulder to look at the contents.

At first he didn’t understand the pictures of the woman and young girl who were in a hospital. The girl seemed to be on life support and the woman appeared to be in a coma. Then there was a few news articles about a terrible car accident involving a semi truck and a car at night. The article named Amelia Novak as the woman and suddenly Sam understood.

It was Castiel’s wife and daughter. Sam didn’t like the situation, and he tried to sink some of his grace into Castiel to help him deal with the emotions but when Sam did he felt a deep seated anger blazing inside Castiel. The sheer power of that rage snapped Sam’s grace out of Castiel completely. Most humans didn’t have that kind of power, that kind of rage. The fact that Castiel not only did, but also managed to keep it hidden underneath a very easygoing personality was shocking.

No wonder this man felt he deserved his “punishment” in Hell. He probably struggled with his feelings every single day. Sam wondered then if he was going to be able to contain his fury and deal with the situation in a calm and rational manner, or if he would go off and do something crazy.

Castiel stood and went over to his phone. Sam listened as he called off work for a week, stating a family emergency. Then Castiel packed his belongings and got into his car, driving off.

Sam returned to Heaven, and went right to Dean. Pacing outside the door, he waited until the room was empty of all other angels before rushing in.

“Dean,” he said, locking the door behind himself again. “Um, Castiel’s family has been in a car accident.” Sam went to reach into the cage but Dean was up and over to Sam before he’d hardly touched the bars.

“What?” Dean asked, merging his grace with Sam. Sam allowed the images of the situation to flood over to Dean. When they stopped, Dean broke away and started pacing in his cell, grace flowing away from his body in spikes and swirls of agitation. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “This is bad. This is very bad.”

“At least he isn’t doing anything too rash right now. It seems as though he’s going to visit his family. You don’t have to worry about him.”

“Are you crazy?” Dean asked, rounding on him. “Of course I have to worry about him! Cas is insane when it comes to his family. How’d you think he ended up in Hell in the first place? I’d be willing to bet the demons created that accident. You’ve got to go back down there, you’ve got to make sure he doesn’t do another deal Sammy, please! I can’t… I’m stuck here, you’ve got to do this for me.”

He was frantic, and Sam nodded. “Of course Dean, of course I’ll go and watch over him. You just… look I just thought you’d want to know, what was going on, you know?”

“Yeah, but you should go down there now Sammy. He’s so idiotic, he’ll give himself up if he thinks it’ll fix things.”

“Okay Dean,” Sam said, backing up and going to open the door. “Okay. I’m going.” He was out the door and rushing back to Castiel before he even had a second to think about what he was doing.

Unfortunately, by the time he found Castiel again he was outside the hospital, and he was kissing a woman with glowing red eyes. “No!” Sam gasped out, rushing to try to break the two of them apart.

It didn’t matter, a demon deal was permanent, no angel could interfere with it, not while it was in the process of being sealed. Sam stood outside the demon’s influence, a bright circle of red that he beat his grace against uselessly. He was furious with himself for thinking that Castiel’s rage could have been easily placated.

Red eyes smirked up at him. “It looks like you’ve got some serious angel intent around you young man,” she said and Castiel looked around.

“Dean?” he whispered, a touch of fear entering his eyes, even though there was hope in his voice.

“No, Castiel. It’s another angel.” Sam wanted to smite her, but he didn’t have the body to do it with. “Don’t worry, go be with your family. Then you know the deal. When they wake up, you come out here, and we’ll take care of the rest.”

“Yeah,” Castiel said with a nod, walking away from Sam and heading for the building. He stood tall as he walked, eyes looking forward with determination.

“You idiot!” Sam cried out, shattering windows with his voice. Castiel clamped his hands to his ears, stooping to cover his face as Sam stomped closer. “Dean is going to be so fucking mad at you when he finds out about this.”

Then Castiel ran for the hospital, not looking behind himself, heart pounding so loudly that Sam could feel it across the parking lot. Sam could see waves of fear and love rushing off of Castiel and Sam felt those threads find his grace. Castiel knew Dean wouldn’t be able to do anything for him a second time.

*

When Sam came back into Dean’s room, Dean was still scattered around the cage and not the least bit reassured by the color of Sam’s grace. It was swirling around in lines of worry, regret, anger, and fear. “Fuck,” Dean said, going up to the bars and wrapping his grace around them. “He did it, didn’t he? He made a deal.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, grace merging momentarily with Dean. “Look, there was nothing I could do, and for the record, I think Castiel knows he did something stupid.”

“That doesn’t stop him from being in Hell Sam! Does he have ten years?” Dean slipped himself out of Sam, not wanting the contact. Ten years was the standard contract, but under the circumstances, Dean didn’t think Cas would get that.

“No,” Sam was all nervous tension and worry. “No, they’re giving him no time at all. By now he might be in Hell already. I came right back to you.”

“Damnit Sammy!” Dean shouted, moving around the cage again, grace furiously zipping out and back to him. “I can’t… I can’t let this happen. How do I stop it? How do I…” He tried to steady himself, but he wasn’t very successful.

“There’s nothing you can do,” Sam said sadly. “Not for fifty years. We just have to hope he manages to survive during that time. Dean, there’s *nothing* you can do.”

“There has to be something, I can’t just…” then Dean paused as an idea formed in his mind. It was so wrong, so evil, so daring and he might kill his brother doing it. It was also the only idea that he had.

“No,” Sam said, and Dean focused fully on his brother. “Dean. No, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I don’t want to know. Whatever it is, you can’t.”

“I could get out of here,” Dean said, moving over to the bars and staring at his brother, hard. “I just need someone to spring me from this here cage.”

“Dean…” Sam said, voice warning. “I said no. There’s a punishment even worse than being in there, death perhaps? You know what it is even if I don’t. Michael would have told you, and I wouldn’t get off lightly either if I helped you.”

“Sam, I have to protect him.”

“He’s his own person Dean!” Sam said, his grace splattering around him in dismay. “He doesn’t need saving.”

“Yes he does!” Dean said, irritation getting the better of him. “He doesn’t think he deserves to be saved, he doesn’t think he deserves happiness, he doesn’t even think he deserves to be cared for or loved!” When he had first seen Cas he had felt the sadness behind the resolve. Cas hadn’t thought he was worth saving, worth helping that was why he had been able to stare down Hellhounds. That was also why he had wanted to help Cas when he’d found him in Hell, because Cas deserved it.

“Dean -” Sam started and Dean put all his hope and desire into his grace.

“Sam, he thinks he’s worthless, but he’s worth everything to me. I’d give this up for him,” he said, motioning to the cage, Heaven, his brother. “I’d give up everything I am to be with him. The punishment is stripping of rank and status, doomed to live on Earth and die. I’d do that right now, just to be with him. Heaven doesn’t mean that much to me. Being an angel is only as awesome as the things I can do on Earth. Now that I know how I feel about Cas, how can I just let him fall? How can I let him stay in Hell and not do everything in my power to help him? I can’t. I just can’t. Please, let me help him.”

Sam didn’t say anything for a time, then he left the room and closed the door behind himself.

It hadn’t worked. Dean had done everything he could think of, and it hadn’t worked. Instead, Sammy had left him, alone, with his misery, and Dean was so very miserable. He curled in on himself, grace tightly packed in a corner of the cage. What would he do? A day was an eternity in Hell, time flowed so differently there. Cas wouldn’t be anything Dean would want to look at if he stayed there the whole time Dean was confined.

This was what happened when Dean did things he wasn’t supposed to. He knew better, but he just couldn’t stop dealing with humans, he found them way too interesting. It was a horrible past time, but what was he going to do? Now that he knew what he could lose over his behavior he thought he was going to be ripped apart just from thinking about it.

Was this what it was to repent? To feel with his very essence that he had done the wrong thing? No, not exactly, because he’d pull Cas out of Hell again, and again, if he could. He’d done it, and he didn’t regret that, so he couldn’t say he wouldn’t do it if he was free. Repentance was agreeing he’d done the wrong thing, and believing with every fiber of his being that he wouldn’t do it again.

But Dean would pull Cas out of Hell and help him on earth again if he had the chance. He’d always do it, because Dean fucking loved that human and he would find a way to help him. Somehow.

Which was when the door opened and Sam was in the doorway, a key ring hanging from a loop of his grace. “Well Dean, if I’m going to fall for you, let’s do this right.”

“Yeah Sammy,” Dean said, hope rising in him. “Yeah, let’s do this right.”

*

Dean had hidden his scrying crystal very carefully in the viewing room, and when he went to find it again it was right where he’d left it, tucked between mattress and box spring. Sam had gone to return the keys. The plan was to meet in an unused viewing room to discuss their plan of attack. Honestly though, Dean just wanted to barge in and grab Cas.

Rearranging another viewing room just enough to plug the USB into a TV, he began flipping through channels as quickly as he could to find Cas. Not on the first level, or the second. Not the third, fourth, fifth, where the hell was Cas? Looking frantically for him, Dean didn’t even notice when Sam came over and sat next to him.

“How’d you even get that?” Sam asked, and Dean jumped.

“Shit, Sammy, warn a guy, would you?”

“Sorry,” Sam said, grace held out apologetically. “But seriously, those are nearly all destroyed.”

“It cost a favor, or two,” Dean said offhandedly. “But the point is I can’t find him, Sam.”

“Well he’s got to be there,” Sam said, looking at the TV himself. “What level are you on?”

“Fifteen. This is the really heavy stuff I’m looking at,” Dean said, continuing to change channels. “I mean, things were bad for him before, but now? If he’s in one of these lower levels, then he’s…” Dean tried not to think about it, but it was all that seemed to come to mind. “Not only will I not be able to get to him, but besides that he won’t last very long. Not with all the things they’ll do to him.” The fear Dean felt was almost overwhelming.

“Don’t think like that Dean. You start by thinking about how to find him. So, keep looking.”

It took them four more levels to find the one that housed Cas, and when Dean saw him, he felt like he might just try to reach through the TV to the demons who were hurting him. It was… it was all the horrors, as many as could be imagined, all at once. Cas… Cas… Dean shuttered.

“We’ll never get him out,” he whispered, grace reaching for his angel blade. “Never.” He could kamikaze himself down there though, take as many demons out as he did so.

Sam was silent for a time, and when Dean finally looked over at his brother, Sam was thoughtful. “Well,” Sam said slowly. “I think you just need a little more… power, then, right?”

“I don’t have any more power Sam. I have you, and me. That’s it.” What the hell was Sam thinking?

“Well, yeah, but we could try someone else. Someone who might be able to actually help us. Maybe. We’d probably owe him more than we’d want to though.”

“What are you blabbing about?” Dean asked, no idea what was going through Sam’s mind.

“Gabriel,” he whispered, grace flickering around the room in agitation. “If there’s one person who knows the in’s and out’s of Heaven and Hell, it’s him. And he’s got the juice to get to the bottom level of Hell. Remember how mad Michael was when he did it ages ago?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “But no one can find Gabriel. He’s… you know, he’s just lost. Gone. For all we know, he’s dead.”

“He’s not,” Sam said, with a slight flush of rose to his grace. “I might be able to find him. Given enough time.”

“How much time?” Dean asked, that feeling of hope returning to him again.

“Maybe… I don’t know, it could take a while. But it’s something, isn’t it?” Sam asked. “We’d have to both take vessel’s, and hide them.”

“I can do that,” Dean said. “I promised mine a winning lottery ticket, I don’t think he’s gotten that yet. He might be kind of happy to have me back so he doesn’t have to worry about life anymore.” It was wishful thinking, but the hope was taking away higher thought processes. Right now, anything was possible.

“You promised him a winning lottery ticket?” Sam asked, chuckling. “You really need to stop that kind of thing. Okay, we’re decided then? Meet me at the old hideout. I have to find my vessel.”

“Good deal.” Then Dean disappeared, found a crack in Heaven, and returned to his vessel.

‘Oh no,’ his vessel said, shaking his head and sitting up in his bed. He had a new apartment. ‘We’ve been through this. You don’t come clean on your promises, I can’t trust you.’

‘It’s not my fault,’ Dean protested. ‘They took me away without telling me. I have to save Cas, again.’

After a bit of silence, his vessel sighed. ‘What happened this time?’

‘Cas made another demon deal. He’s in Hell, one of the lower levels. It’s horrible. He’s being tortured.’

‘Don’t you get tired of helping the same soul again and again?’ his vessel asked, crossing his arms, but at least looking amused this time.

‘I… kind of love him,’ Dean said with a bit of embarrassment in his tone.

‘You think?’

‘What? You knew?’

‘Look, Dean, I was inside you, or… you were inside me, or whatever. The point here is that I know you, really well. I could feel your emotions, and you fell for that human hard. Really hard. Like… rock hard. It was obvious a long time ago. So, now what are you going to do about it?’

‘Oh.’ Dean considered that. ‘Well, I’m going to enlist the help of an Archangel in order to get Cas from Hell, and then we’ll go from there I guess.’

‘And me?’

Oh. Promises. ‘Well, I still owe you that lottery ticket.’

His vessel laughed and nodded. ‘Yeah, you do. Any way of… like, not keeping my skin? I’d like that lottery ticket, and then I’d like to be on my own. Take the money, get my stuff back, and go find a nice girl to fall in love with. Can you do that?’

‘I’ll need my vessel. If… I mean…” He wanted to promise him. He wanted to promise him the world, but Dean couldn’t. ‘Look, I like you, you’re a good guy, and I want to give you whatever you need, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I just can’t.’

There was silence for a while, then his vessel nodded. ‘Yeah, okay, come on in. If he needs help, I can’t stop you.’

Dean paused in confusion. ‘I just said I couldn’t promise you anything.’

‘That’s right. You were just real with me for the first time. I don’t have any attachments right now. Get in here, and do what you need to. We’ll talk after.’

That was kind of awesome, and Dean thought he’d try his damnedest to do something good for his vessel once he was gone. ‘Thank you,’ he said, slipping into the skin and fitting in it properly.

“This time though, I’m packing a bag,” Dean said out loud, going to the closet and doing just that. He’d have to cover his tracks the best he could or the angels would find him. Sending a surge of power through his body, he engraved runes on his vessel’s bones. It was the best he could do under the circumstances.

*

“So what is this magical, mystical way of getting a hold of Gabriel anyway?” Dean asked, sitting next to Sam in the tree house that had been abandoned years ago. They’d met here so many times that it was their secret place to meet. Sam’s vessel was tall, with long hair that kept falling into Sam’s face. He brushed it out of his eyes and shrugged.

“I have this thing,” he said, opening his hand and showing off a dark blue star sapphire. “It was a gift. He said if I needed him -”

“Wait,” Dean said, holding up a hand to stop his brother from talking. “If you *needed* him? You two… what? Were close or something?”

Sam fidgeted and shrugged. “There was this thing,” he said, biting his lip. “We had a thing, and then he left, but he gave me this.”

“You had a thing. That you never talked about? Ever?” When had Sam started keeping secrets?

“Stuff happened, I was young, it was nothing.” Dean could see that it wasn’t nothing though, from the way Sam was holding the sapphire.

“Okay, fine, you don’t want to talk about it. It’s cool, I mean, I only tell you everything.” Dean nodded at the gem. “So what do you do exactly?”

“I think I’m supposed to break it,” Sam said, staring down at it. “Or maybe just think about him really hard?”

“You don’t know?” Dean asked, raising his eyebrows. “You have this thing, you’ve had for hundreds of years, thousands probably, and you don’t know how it works?”

“I haven’t ever needed to use it,” Sam said with a shrug.

“You didn’t think to ask?” Dean asked him, words coming out very slowly as he tried not to scream in frustration.

“I…” Sam looked away. “He left Dean. Without telling anyone, remember? He just… left. I thought… that he cared about me, but he disappeared and he left me this beautiful gem, with a note, but it said he was leaving and I got angry, okay? So I just kind of destroyed the letter without reading all of it, and kept the sapphire. So…” Taking a deep breath he looked at Dean. “So do you want to try this?”

Reaching out, he placed his hand over Sam’s. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because it was so silly Dean. It was obvious to me that I didn’t mean anything, so I just let it all get buried.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean pulled his brother into a hug and held him close. For some reason Sammy had always been the closest to him, like he’d seen brothers be on earth, and he’d do anything for Sam. He just wished Sam had trusted him too.

“It’s okay,” Sam said, holding Dean as well. Then he pulled away with a gasp. “Look!” he said, pointing at the gem.

Dean glanced down at it and shrugged. “What?”

“Can’t you see? The star moved.” He stood up and turned around, looking down at the sapphire, and as he did so his smile got bigger. “Good, good. I bet this is how we’ll find him. Come on.”

Then he jumped down from the tree house and Dean followed right behind him. They would find the Archangel, and maybe, just maybe, they’d get Castiel back.

*

It had taken them two weeks to find Gabriel and Dean was frantic by the time they did. In his body, short and thin, Dean didn’t think Gabriel looked much like a Archangel. It hadn’t taken much convincing to get them all to a restaurant, where Dean and Gabriel were each trying to out eat each other in slices of pie.

The whole story had come out over the course of eating, and now Dean was waiting to see what would happen. He didn’t have much hope though, Gabriel kept looking over at Sam, as though he wanted to be in private with Sam, but he didn’t say anything of the sort.

“So, you jokers messed up, and you want *my* specialized help,” Gabriel said, leaning back. Dean took a breath and met Gabriel’s eyes.

“*I* messed up,” he said. “Sam’s just helping me, but he’s clean as far as having done things goes.”

“Dean,” Sam started, but Gabriel held up his hand.

“Okay. I think I’ve got the general idea of what needs done. You want to spring a soul from the lower regions of Hell and you want both you and him to be safe from angels and demons after the springing. That kind of favor doesn’t come easy.”

“Can you even do it?” Dean asked, not sure if he believed it was possible. Maybe with the three of them…

“Oh, yeah, with you helping me, I can. The thing is, the demons know about his family. They’ve already used them once to get Castiel back in Hell, it would be a lot of work to get them safe as well. What are you willing to offer me as payment?”

Dean looked over at Sam. He didn’t exactly have anything to offer the Archangel. Sam stared back, looking a little wary.

“I think,” Sam said carefully, turning his gaze back to Gabriel. “I think that there isn’t much he wouldn’t offer. What sort of thing do you want?”

Gabriel watched Sam and then stood up, reaching for one of Sam’s hands to tug him out of the seat. “You’re coming with me for a minute,” he said. “You’re staying here Dean buddy. We’ll be back.”

Dean wanted to protest, but he didn’t think he could. What could he say? What could he do? Since he couldn’t decide, he ordered another piece of pie, and when it arrived, he began eating it. Which was when Sam and Gabriel returned to the table.

“Okay, here’s the deal,” Gabriel said with a smirk. “You owe me a favor. Both of you do. I’ll come collect, and when I do, you’ll pay up, no questions asked. Deal?”

Putting down his fork, Dean took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said with a nod. “You have yourself a deal.” He offered his hand and Gabriel shook it.

“Good doing business with you. Shall we go?”

“Yeah,” Sam said, placing some money on the table. “Let’s go.”

Dean finished his pie quickly and then stood, reaching out for Sam’s arm. “Are you okay?” he whispered, and Sam gave him a small smile.

“Yeah Dean, I’m okay.” When Dean gave him a disbelieving stare, he chuckled. “I mean it. I’m okay.”

“Good. I just… want Cas back, but I don’t want to screw you over in the process.” For some reason he felt like he was offering his brother to Gabriel, but that thought didn’t really make a whole lot of sense.

Sam pulled him into a hug. “Don’t worry so much Dean.”

“Okay.” The worry didn’t disappear though, so Dean tried to hide it. They had work to do.

*

By the time Cas was opening his eyes, Dean had been pacing around the small cabin for days. He never left Cas’ side, worried beyond all reason that Cas wouldn’t ever come back to them. His soul had been beyond battered and Dean didn’t know if Cas would ever be okay.

“Cas?” Dean breathed when the blue eyes focused on him. He was by the bed and reached out to take Cas’ hands in his own in a second. “Hey there Cas, how are you feeling?”

Cas didn’t say anything, just stayed still on the bed, breathing a little heavier, his eyes filling with tears. Dean took that as a good sign, emotions were good.

“Hey Cas, it’s fine, okay? It’s okay. You’re out of there, you’re safe now. You’re in good hands.” Dean wasn’t going to let him be taken again. He just… he couldn’t allow that to happen.

There was silence for so long that Dean thought Cas might be sleeping with his eyes open when Cas spoke. “Dean?” he asked, and Dean nodded. “I’m… alive again?” he whispered, and Dean thought that Cas sounded unbearably sad.

“Yeah Cas, you’re safe, everything’s going to be okay.” He tried to give Cas a smile, but it was weak.

Nodding, Cas closed his eyes and relaxed in the bed. “I see,” he said. His hand twitched in Dean’s but didn’t really hold onto him. “So, I’ve been sleeping?”

“Yeah. For about a week now,” Dean breathed, lifting the hand to his face, trying not to kiss it like an idiot.

“A week?” Cas breathed, shaking his head. “I thought I was… well, it doesn’t matter, does it? Is my family okay? Are they protected?”

“Yeah Cas, Gabriel put a few angel protection spells on them. They’ll be fine. Forever. No demons will harm them. They’re protected from demonic influences.” Dean had wanted to know how that spell worked, but Gabriel refused to tell him.

“But they aren’t saved if the demons use humans to do their work, right?” Cas asked, and Dean frowned. Cas seemed really interested in knowing what was happening with the wife and daughter he left behind.

“If the demon touched the human at all, then the human can’t hurt them. Something will happen to the human. I mean… if the human has had any contact at all with a demon, then they won’t be able to harm them. You’re really worried about them.”

“I went to Hell twice for their lives!” Cas snapped, opening his eyes again, giving Dean a look that pierced Dean’s heart. “Do you think I don’t care about them or something?”  
“No, I -” Dean swallowed and shook his head. “No. I know you care about them.” What was it about that look that hurt him so much? It was like Cas hated him, the anger was so harsh. “I’m sorry, but we thought of them, you know?”

“You didn’t think about me though!” he snapped again, and Dean felt like Cas was trying to rip him apart.

“What do you mean? Of course we thought about you. Why do you think we went down there to get you out again? I brought this mess on you, I had to fix it.”

“Who asked you to fix it? Huh? Maybe I knew what I was doing, maybe I didn’t need you to fix things. Maybe I wanted to be there in the first place.”

“So, you want to be a demon?” Dean asked, snapping himself. What was wrong with Cas anyway?

“No! I… I wouldn’t break, not that way.” He shook his head and looked away. “You wouldn’t understand. I don’t know what you feel, I don’t understand how you think, but obviously you have no idea what it’s like to be human. So you should just stop trying to do anything for me.”

Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His stomach was clenching painfully, and Dean thought he was going to be sick. Was it so wrong to try to save the person who made him smile? Was it wrong to want to help the person that he cared so much for? Rescuing people, wasn’t that what angel’s did?

“Did I really mess up that badly Cas?” he asked, and he had to open his eyes in case Cas was nodding. Instead, Cas wasn’t moving at all. “Well?”

“You helped me out before, and I ended up back in there. You left me alone, but now I’m out once more. What’s going to hurt me this time Dean? I mean, haven’t I been through enough?”

“Being in Hell is better?” Dean cried out, dropping Cas’ hand and standing up. “Well? Is it?”

“I know what to expect in Hell!” Cas yelled, looking over at Dean, his gaze shooting through his body like a lance. “Pain, pain, torture, pain. Here I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what is going to happen to me next, I don’t know what kind of creature is going to come at me and rend my flesh from my bones! This is the world you brought me back to, thank you so much!”

Swallowing several times, Dean shook his head and tried to steady his heart, which seemed content to pound in his throat. “You don’t mean this. You’re just tired, still worn out. I need to give you some time to adjust.”

“Did you think I would be happy to be here? Did you think I’d honestly thank you? Didn’t you get it from the first time around? I *don’t* want to be saved! I didn’t want to be saved!” His voice was raised so much that Sam knocked on the door.

“Is everything okay in there?” Sam called out, and Dean tried to think about how Cas was just upset, he’d calm down, things would be fine.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Dean said, and Cas sat up in the bed.

“Who the hell is that? You brought me back, how many people know I’m here?” Cas asked.

“It’s just Sam, one of my brothers, and Gabriel. The Archangel. They’re the ones who helped me get you out. It’s fine, they’re safe.” Why did Dean keep saying that when he knew it wasn’t helping? “Just… it’s fine.”

“And *you*,” Cas snarled. “Don’t you ever get in trouble for the things you do? Surely the Archangel Gabriel didn’t just help me for the sake of helping me. What’d you have to give up to him in order to have his help? Are you stupid? What are you willing to lose to help me? You just… need to stop!”

“There’s -!” Dean started, but he couldn’t finish. How did he tell Cas that Cas was the reason Dean did stupid things these days? How did he tell Cas that all he wanted was for Cas to live a long, healthy, happy life? Especially when Cas didn’t seem to give a shit about it?

“You can’t even talk to me,” Cas crossed his arms. “You just… I don’t want to see you anymore Dean,” he said, voice going calm, even, and a bit terrifying.

“What?” Dean whispered. “No, you don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I?” Cas asked, and Dean swallowed around the lump forming in his throat. “Try again.”

“I… Cas, don’t kick me out of your life. I just…” Dean started, but the blue eyes were cold, so hard, that Dean felt all emotion drain out of him.

“Go away. Leave. Don’t ever come find me again. I want you gone, I don’t want to see you. Not ever. For the rest of my life I want to never have to worry you’ll be around me.” Then he lay back down on the bed and turned his back to Dean.

“Cas?” Dean whispered, and when Cas didn’t move, he went to the door, whole body shaking in shock. He’d done this for Cas, why was it the wrong thing? How had he messed up so badly? Why did Cas keep insisting that he wanted to be in Hell? Did Cas really not want Dean? Dean had given up everything for Cas, didn’t that mean anything?

“Dean?” Sam asked when Dean left Cas’ room, and Dean didn’t even look at him. He walked out of the cabin, into the woods, Sam calling after him, but he didn’t turn to look. Cas didn’t want him. He didn’t want him around at all, and so Dean would go away. If it was the last thing he could give to Cas, he’d give it.

*

Gabriel cashed in his favor within the first couple of months after Dean left Cas. Sam was with Cas, doing what, Dean didn’t even ask.

“We have to talk about your vessel,” Gabriel said, and Dean raised his eyebrows. He was in West Virginia, working hard on building a house. His house, his own house, built with his own hands, so it belonged completely to him.

“What about my vessel?” Dean asked, putting the axe down and staring at Gabriel.

‘What about me?’ his vessel asked at the same time.

“You need to let him go. The life you’re going to live, it’s no life for a human soul.”

‘I don’t want to die!’ his vessel protested loudly.

“Sorry Gabe, he doesn’t want to die,” Dean shrugged, picking up a few pieces of wood and carrying them over to the pile and stacking them.

“I’m not talking about killing your vessel, or sending him to Heaven prematurely. It’s a trick to keeping the angels off your trail. You make a new body, with no soul, using a part of your vessel to tie it to your bloodline. It’s not easy, and it’ll take some time, but when you’re done, you move from vessel to the new body and your vessel can go home. Then you influence his life some huge way, so he makes the news and gets all this attention. The angels focus on him, find out you’re not there, and search through the rest of your blood. Eventually, they think you’re out of body and search other places while you’re cozy in your shell. How do you think they never found me?”

It did sound like a useful thing. “I don’t know. I never knew. They just finally stopped looking,” Dean admitted.

‘You mean I could finally win that lottery ticket?’ his vessel asked, sounding rather amused, and a little interested.

Dean could admit to himself at least that he would miss the conversations he had with his vessel. Some times it was the only contact with anyone he had.

‘You could call, you know?’ his vessel said with a laugh.

‘Don’t be silly.’ “What does he have to give up for it?” Dean asked.

“Some blood, some skin, a kidney,” Gabriel shrugged. “Nothing big.”

“You’re joking on the kidney, right?” Dean asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Has to be an organ,” Gabriel said. “And if it doesn’t work -”

“If it doesn’t work?” Dean asked, crossing his arms. “You want to cut out a kidney and it might not work?”

“You can heal the missing kidney, you know that right?” Gabriel said, rolling his eyes.

‘What do you think?’ Dean asked, and there was silence from his vessel.

‘Is he being serious?’ he finally asked, and Dean stared at his brother for a very long time.

‘Yes,’ he said with a little nod. ‘I think he’s serious.’

‘But I don’t have to live without a kidney?’

‘No. He’s right, I can heal that easily.’

‘Oh.’ There was silence again for a while before his vessel said, ‘Okay.’

*

It worked on the first try. Dean stared at his vessel, that he wasn’t in, and gave him a smile. “How you feeling champ?”

“A little weird,” his vessel said with a nod. “You?”

“Not bad,” Dean said. He wouldn’t tell his vessel that he felt like he’d just lost his last friend, that would be pathetic.

“Okay. It’s really strange to see myself standing in front of me, so…” His vessel fidgeted and Dean shrugged.

“Here’s your ticket then,” he said, offering the piece of paper to the other man and when it was taken he looked at Gabriel. “Take him somewhere good.”

“Duh,” Gabriel said, reaching for Dean’s vessel.

“Wait!” his vessel came over to Dean and gave him a hug. When he was close, he whispered, “I think he loves you too Dean. Don’t lose hope, okay?” Then he backed away as Dean stood there in shock, and Gabriel disappeared.

Dean didn’t know what to say. He stood there for a while, then broke down and cried. Nothing but trees and earth, the smell of chopped wood and the ache in his hands.

Cas would never come to him. He’d never go to Cas. It was over for them, and Dean had tried so hard to not think about it. Why had his vessel even said that?

By the time Gabriel returned, Dean had cleaned up his face and had managed to compose himself. “That’s my favor Dean,” Gabriel said.

Dean copped another piece of wood and looked up at Gabriel. “It is?”

“Yeah. Sam’s doing the same with his vessel. We’re square.”

“That doesn’t seem like a big deal to me.”

“Dean, I’ve lived a long time among these creatures. I love them, a certain amount. There’s one thing they all deserve in my opinion.”

“A chance to live?” Dean asked, raising his eyebrows.

“No, don’t be silly,” Gabriel snorted. “A chance to screw up. You know, each screw up leads to greater things. That’s how we got cereal and popcorn. Screw ups. It’s very cool.”

“Great. Okay, we’re square. Good to know. Is that is? ‘Cause I have a lot of work to do and… you know, unless you want to help?”

“No, no, I’ll go, leave you to your depression. Their lives matter to me Dean. They should matter to you too.”

Then Gabriel was gone, and Dean went back to his wood, trying not to think too much about Gabriel’s words. Their lives did matter to him, that’s what had always gotten him in trouble.

He didn’t cry again, and he didn’t think about Cas, not much. Instead he worked on his house and he worked on his garden and if he talked to the birds and the deer there was no one around to tell him that was crazy.

*

‘You know Dean,’ a familiar voice floated to Dean’s mind a year and a half after he’d settled in his house. Dean opened his eyes and looked around. No one there. ‘I really think that you’re an idiot.’ Cas’ prayer voice was slurring.

Dean stood up and walked over to his sink, turning it on and running his hands under the slowly warming water. Why was Cas praying to him? He never prayed anymore. Not that Dean had been aware of.

‘I can’t stop thinking about you Dean. Your body, your way of speaking. I dream about you at night, sleeping next to me. Sometimes we aren’t sleeping. I told you I wouldn’t do anything about these feelings I’m having, but you’re gone, so I can’t even tell you about it face to face. I hate you.’

Lowering his head, Dean brought his wet hands over to his face and wiped at it. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t. Hearing Cas’ voice again after all this time didn’t tug at his heart and nearly choke him.

‘No, I don’t hate you Dean.’ There was a pause and Dean wanted so badly to go to Cas, appear in his house, talk to him for a while. He didn’t dare go though, because Cas was… Cas had made him promise. He’d sworn not to. ‘I just don’t know what to do anymore. I thought.. If I forced you away, then things would be better, but they’re not. Everything is so much worse.’

Dean walked over to his couch, sat down, pulled a blanket over himself and curled up. Maybe if he tried he could block Cas out. If only he wanted to block Cas out.

‘I want you Dean. I can’t help it, and I hate it, but I don’t hate it, I just… I’m so drunk right now.’ Dean could hear Cas laughing. ‘Dear Dean, I’m praying to you. Where the hell are you? I’m going to go to bed, and I’m going to touch myself, and I’m going to think about you when I do, and when I go to sleep, you’ll be in my dreams. I just thought you should know. Amen.’

Then there was blessed silence, and Dean closed his eyes to try to block out what he’d heard, but when he did all he saw was Cas, lying on his bed, naked. Like things hadn’t been hard enough in the first place.

*

The sun was high when the figures approached Dean’s house. He sat up from his garden, peering at them curiously. No one came to visit Dean, he had done everything Gabriel had said to hide away and he’d had two and a half years of peace. It should be nearly impossible for anyone who knew him to actually find him. Which meant these were either hikers, or they were Sam and Gabriel themselves.

It turned out to be Sam and Gabriel, and he dusted his hands off, standing up straight as he watched them come into full view. He wasn’t happy, but he was fairly content. Especially when you considered he was in exile and wasn’t with the man he loved.

“Hey there Dean,” Sam said, coming over and giving Dean a hug. Dean hugged him back, a little glad to see his brother, a little sad as well.

“Hey Sammy,” he said, squeezing him tightly before leaning away. “What brings you up here?”

“You, you idiot,” Gabriel said, offering Dean his hand, and Dean shook it. It was strangely human, and Dean kind of liked that.

“I didn’t do anything this time,” Dean said, shaking his head and motioning towards the garden. “Just planting. Would you like to come in for some tea? I make it myself, and I’ve got a nice strawberry pie as well.”

“I’d love some pie,” Gabriel said, and Dean smirked at him.

“Of course you would,” he said at the exact same time as Sam. They looked at each other and smiled, and suddenly the tension was gone. It was Sam, everything was okay when Sam was around.

“Come on in,” he said, walking up the stairs and opening the front door. “Make yourselves at home.”

The furniture was all wood, carved or split into the pieces he had wanted them to be. Mostly done with no magic, as magic made things a little more likely to be noticed. Dean had been very careful about not being noticed.

He had tea and pie out for them at the dining room table in no time, and as they were eating, Gabriel talked.

“You’ve done well here,” Gabriel said, looking around the room. “Nice house, completely secluded. It’s almost like you’re running away from something.”

“Gabriel,” Sam chided, glaring at Gabriel.

“What? It’s the truth. We’ve got this house, still making payments on it,” Gabriel said. “I’m trying not to kill too many people because it annoys Sam.”

“Of course it does,” Sam said, looking over at Dean. “Are you listening to this man? He’s an angel and he hurts people.”

“At least you don’t have hunters on your tail,” Dean said with a shrug. The pie had turned out well.

“Yes, thank God for that,” Sam agreed.

“I’m keeping a low profile,” Gabriel said. “I used to be much worse.”

“The point is,” Sam said, looking from Dean to Gabriel and then back. “You should be around people Dean. You don’t have to seclude yourself up here like this.”

“I like it here,” Dean said, swallowing around the lump in his throat. He didn’t want to deal with people, and being normal and all that shit. He just wanted… well, it didn’t matter what he wanted, he wasn’t ever really allowed to have it.

“I see that Dean, but…” Sam trailed off and Gabriel reached out to lightly pat Sam’s arm.

“There’s a house, across the street, going on sale. Why don’t you move? Come live in a neighborhood, mow the lawn, buy Girl Scout cookies.”

“Thanks, but no,” Dean said, shaking his head. “I like this house. I like the woods. I’m content.”

“There’s a factory near by,” Sam said. “Nice place, lots of workers. They come from all over the place. You’d fit in well.”

“There’s this guy who works there,” Gabriel said. “Brightest blue eyes you ever did see.” Dean put his fork down, trying not to envision the man they were talking about. “Black hair, kind of spiky. I hear he puts in a lot of hours. Almost always there late, comes in early. Good man. I think you’d have a lot to talk with him about.”

“We just think,” Sam started and Dean could see Cas easily, perfectly.

Wearing a uniform, or battered clothes. Working until he’s exhausted, arms strong with well defined muscles. Maybe he would bring the corner of his shirt up to wipe away sweat, showing off a little bit of his tanned stomach, skin smooth and… he needed to stop thinking about it.

Clearing his throat, he looked from Sam to Gabriel. “No. Thank you, but you heard him. He doesn’t want me to be around him.”

“Then why is he so miserable?” Gabriel asked, finishing his pie and pushing the plate away from himself. “He works too much, and he’s about ready to kill himself. Add to that the fact that he doesn’t really talk to anyone or spend time with anyone outside of work and you’ve got a really boring individual there.”

“He drinks,” Sam said. “A lot. I stopped by once, when he couldn’t see me, and I noticed a whole case of bottles going into the recycling. He drinks all the time. One day he’s going to drown in the alcohol. I think he’s even praying when he’s drunk. Sometimes he kneels and closes his eyes.”

“So you talk to him,” Dean said, wanting nothing more than to go to Cas and tell him not to drink so much, to let Dean take care of him, to let Dean be in his life again.

“We can’t,” Sam said and Gabriel shrugged.

“To be honest, we think he’ll ignore us or run away. With you though…” he trailed off and Dean shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter. He’d run from me quicker than he would run from you.”

“He writes you letters,” Sam said softly. “Every day he writes you a letter, then he folds it up and puts it in a box and doesn’t look back. I’ve seen him.”

“I’ve read some of them,” Gabriel said. “Intense stuff.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Dean asked, standing up as he lost his temper. “You’re just trying to come up with reasons for me to go to him, but he doesn’t want me!”

“He does!” Sam said, standing up as well. “That’s the thing. He made a mistake, but Dean, he’s *human*, remember? Humans make mistakes, that’s how they learn. He… Castiel loves you, he just didn’t know how to express it, or how to tell you, or he was just plain scared, but the truth remains the same.”

“I don’t believe you!” Dean snapped, glaring at his brother.

“Then go to him and ask him, and while you’re at it,” Gabriel said with a smirk. “Read a few of these first.” Gabriel passed a thick packet of letters tied with a green ribbon across the table to Dean. “And you tell him how much you love him. You could open with that line even, it might make things go a little more smoothly.”

“He doesn’t want to hear that I love him now, not when he made it explicitly clear he never wanted to see me again,” Dean protested as he looked down at the letters. Were they the ones from Cas? Should he really be reading them?

“Gabriel!” Sam hissed. “You shouldn’t have brought those with you!”

Gabriel’s smirk only got wider as he ignored Sam completely. “You won’t know if you don’t ask. So. What are you going to do?” he asked Dean.

Dean didn’t know what to say. Should he go? Should he stay? Would Castiel even talk to him? Dean stared at the letters and his heart started pounding in his chest. Cas wrote him, and he remembered the times Cas had prayed to him. Some of the conversations had almost made him to go to Cas, but he kept remembering how angry Cas had been, and he hadn’t wanted to mess up a third time.

How would he know though, if Cas meant what he’d said when he’d just been raised, if he never went to him and asked? Cas had seemed like he regretted his decisions. It was worth finding out the truth now, wasn’t it?

*

Dean wasn’t sure that Gabriel and Sam actually lived in the town they arrived at, but they weren’t kidding when they said it was small. There were maybe twenty houses on the main part of it, with a large factory nearby that made some kind of steel parts. Dean had no idea what they made, but at the moment, he didn’t care.

Because there was Castiel, walking away from the factory and towards his car. His hair was a spiky mess and apparently he was growing a shaggy beard. He looked awful and Dean wished Cas was cleaned up, looking more like Dean remembered. Dean could envision Cas after one of their practices, smooth skin, hard muscles, and the line of dark hair leading down from Cas’ belly button glistening with water from a shower. He had to shake his head to get the image out of his brain.

How did he talk to Cas though? Did he just… walk up to him? Gabriel elbowed him into the road, so he started walking into the parking lot, and he glared at the other angel before finally heading for Castiel’s vehicle.

One foot in front of the other as he tried to think of what to say, and when he was close, Cas finally looked up at him, and recognition sparked in his eyes. Panic practically surged through Cas and he rushed to open his car. Dean walked quicker, trying to get to him before he actually managed to lock him out of his life.

“Cas!” he called out. “Wait, please, can we talk?” What else was he supposed to say anyway?

“No,” Cas growled out, opening the car door. “Go away!”

Dean was at the car by then, and he was lightly pounding on the window. “Please, Cas, I need to talk to you.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Cas said, starting the car. “I’m going to run over you.”

“No, look, things… they didn’t get said, they just… we have to talk.” But Cas hadn’t been joking, and he started backing the car out of the parking spot.

Still pounding on the window, Dean walked with the car. “I mean it Cas, we have to talk.” He even walked several steps as Cas drove off, but when Cas got to the road, and Cas turned to give Dean the most heartbroken look ever, he just stopped on the side of the road, not sure what to say. Or do.

“What the hell kind of angel are you?” Gabriel asked from next to him. “Get the fuck in that car you idiot.”

Oh. Dean hadn’t used any of his angelic powers or abilities for so long that he’d kind of forgotten he could. Right.

“Holy shit!” Cas swore when Dean appeared in the passenger’s seat. “What the hell are you doing in my car?”

“I have to talk to you,” Dean said. “There’s nothing you can do to stop me. If I have to listen to your dumb, drunken prayers then you can shut up for five minutes to listen to me instead.” He’d made a decision, he was going to stick with it.

Cas clenched his hands on the wheel and stared straight out the windshield. “Fine,” he snapped. “But don’t think that’s going to make me happier. Being told I have no choice in the matter.”

“Well it’s your fucking fault,” Dean said, turning to look at Cas. “Who pushed me away before I got a chance to say anything in the first place?”

“Oh, don’t blame anything on me, you’re the one who didn’t ask my opinion on my life.”

“You self righteous asshole,” Dean said, shaking his head. “You only ever think about yourself, did you ever think about me?”

“What are you talking about?” Cas asked, turning angry eyes on Dean.

“What about me? What about how I was feeling, or what I was thinking, or what it meant to me to break out of jail and come to rescue you from the pit? Do you have any idea what I gave up for you, or what it would mean if I was ever found again?”

There was resounding silence, until the car behind them beeped their horn and Cas looked away to drive through the green light. Dean was breathing rapidly, still angry, but at least he’d gotten that off his chest.

Neither of them spoke again until they were at a nice little house. Then Cas looked over at Dean again and said, “I suppose you should come inside then.”

“Okay,” Dean agreed, nodding his head and getting out of the car.

The house was almost bare of furniture but what existed was nice, clean. The dining table had two chairs, the couch was small and the television was on an old writing desk. Dean took it all in quickly, as well as the recycling bin overflowing with glass bottles.

“So,” Cas said, closing the door behind them. “What is so important?”

This was it, Dean thought. All or nothing. He turned to face Castiel. “I love you,” he said, and Cas’ eyes widened considerably. “I have for a long time, but… when you turned me away, I just thought I needed to leave you alone. Gabriel and Sam came to visit me though, and they… they told me about you I wanted to see you again. No, I had to see you again.”

“You…” Cas whispered, shaking his head. “You don’t know what love is.”

That stung, but Dean held himself in check. No blowing up at the man he just confessed his feelings to. “That’s where you’re wrong. See, the thing is, angels are made out of love. We run off of it, we are around the emotion so much that we kind of take it for granted. We are a manifestation of the love the Creator showed to all his creations. Love, it comes so easy that I never think to say it, or to talk about it.”

“You take it for granted,” Cas repeated, then said, “you’d take me for granted. You know love, but you can’t feel more of it for one person than you do for every creature.”

“You’re wrong again,” Dean said, taking a step closer to Cas, a smile playing across his lips as he realized Cas was actually talking to him. “The thing is, we don’t always recognize the love we have for the intimate thing it is since we feel it all the time. It takes something really big to point it out. Something like giving up everything you are for the other person.”

“You haven’t given up anything,” Cas said, voice hitching in his throat as Dean walked closer.

“I gave up Heaven,” Dean said. “I disobeyed, I ran away, I defied my elders, and my leaders and I ripped apart Hell for you. I can’t go back, Heaven would kill me, if I was lucky. If I was unlucky, they’d strip my wings of and send me down to earth to live a life.”

“Why would you do that?” Cas breathed, and Dean reached out a hand to touch Cas’ cheek.

“Because I love you Cas. Because when I thought of being with someone else, all I could see was you. Because when I close my eyes at night, I wish I could have you sleeping next to me and wake up to make you breakfast. Because it tore my grace into pieces to think of you suffering in Hell, again, because I was locked up.”

Cas closed his eyes and leaned into Dean’s hand. “You stupid angel,” he said. “To love someone like me.”

“It’s an honor, and if you really want me to go…” but Dean didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence because Cas opened his eyes and reached up to pull Dean into a kiss.

*

When they broke apart Dean was a little dizzy from the heat of their kissing. Cas was perfect to kiss, soft and hard, warm and sweet. His beard was a little scratchy though.

“I love you too,” Cas whispered. “But… I didn’t think I should. You’re an angel Dean, you’re holy, one of God’s higher creations. I’m just this… human being that kept getting saved but for no particular reason. You never… gave me a reason to believe there was anything more, so I didn’t think there was hope. It was…”

Dean swallowed and lightly kissed Cas’ lips again. “No hope? If you tossed me away, of course there wouldn’t be any hope.”

“It was easier to push you away than to keep you close and want so much, so much I didn’t think I could have,” Cas finished with a frown. “You know you’ll live forever, and I won’t. It’s not like I should really be allowed to tie you down to me.”

“Oh. You thought about that?” Truth be told, Dean hadn’t thought about it until the moment Cas mentioned it. “Your soul stays alive forever though. Unless it’s destroyed of course.”

“Yes,” Cas said dryly. “That makes me feel so much better.”

“What?” Dean shrugged. “It didn’t even occur to me.”

“Of course not. Besides that, I just… you’re so much stronger than I am, I don’t want to be a burden. There are so many reasons why you’re superior to me, why would you want to be with a lowly human who sold his soul twice?”

“Do you know why I think the soul selling thing is unfair?” Dean asked, frowning. When Cas shook his head, Dean said, “Because there are circumstances that make your sacrifice noble. Some people do that, you know? They make the deal to save someone they love. That kind of sacrifice should be considered a holy act, but it isn’t, and you still go to Hell, because the guidelines are so cut and dry. Why is the system like that? When a holy man on earth can rape little boys and go to Heaven but a desperate man who gives up everything for his family goes to Hell, I just wonder if the system is messed up.”

“The holy man asked for forgiveness,” Cas said.

“No, it doesn’t matter. Did he “repent”?” Dean asked, but he shook his head. “That’s not the point. The point is that you are an amazing man who has tons of love to give, and no one to give it to. I found you, you were broken, battered and yet I loved you, because there was so much love in you. I think… you called to me when you were down there, and when I found you, I didn’t want to let you go.”

“How can we make this work? I’ll get old, you’ll move on, I’ll become a soul and go to Heaven, and then we’ll never see each other again. I don’t like that.”

“Most people don’t get forever, can’t we have right here, right now? I love you, you love me, let’s just be, okay? Can’t I have one life’s worth of happiness?” Dean pleaded, wanting Cas with every fiber of his being.

Cas leaned into Dean and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Yeah,” he said with a nod. “I guess… maybe we can try. It’s good to try.”

“Cas?” Dean asked, feeling himself hard against Cas’ body.

“Hmm?”

“Can we… I mean…” he tilted his hips closer to Cas and Cas groaned.

“We’re together again for ten minutes after three years apart and you want to have sex?” Cas asked, looking up at Dean.

“Yeah?”

Cas moved to whisper into Dean’s ear. “You’d better make me scream.”

Growling, Dean picked Cas up in his arms and walked them to the bedroom. “Consider it done.”


	2. Sweet Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what I consider to be the "sweet" ending.

[](http://imgur.com/uV1u7iW)

They bought the house across from Sam and Gabe. It was bigger than the one that Cas had been renting, and Cas had a large savings since he hardly ever used his money. They were able to put a sizable down payment on it, and Dean spent the first week importing his furniture from his own home to the new one.

Cas liked the furniture, but got angry when Dean tore up part of the backyard for his vegetable garden without discussing it with Cas first. Dean kissed and sucked Cas into agreeing that it would be possible to move it next year.

At the beginning of their second year together, Gabriel came over for a visit. Cas was working as was Sam, and Dean had been about to go out to the garden, but he made tea instead. Tea and pie had become a habit between the two of them.

“So, Sam told me that Cas was worried about the two of you living together forever, or not, as the case may be,” Gabriel said, polishing off his third piece of pie.

“Yeah?” Dean asked, frowning at Gabriel. “Why?”

“Just thinking. You know, there are choices and decisions a person can make in this world, and I have quite a bit of power at my command. Plus, you make a fantastic pie.”

Crossing his arms, Dean kicked Gabriel’s chair leg. “Make sense.”

“Well, I guess it comes down to these two boxes.” He pulled out two wrapped boxes which he put down on the table. “I would suggest you talk about this with Cas, ‘cause that man has a temper that could rival Michael’s, I swear.” Gabriel rolled his eyes and grinned. “But you choose one, then get back to me. We’ll discuss how you can pay me back.”

Cleaning off his plate as Dean brought the two boxes closer, Gabriel didn’t say anything else, he just stood and headed for the door. “Good pie, see you later.”

He was out the door before Dean had even half a chance to think about what he was holding.

When Cas got home that evening, Dean was even more perplexed. “Hey Cas,” he said, putting dinner on the table. “We have to talk.”

“That’s always an ominous sentence when you say it,” Cas said, walking into the kitchen to wash up. “What’s wrong?”

Dean leaned in to give Cas a quick kiss and then he shrugged. “Not much. Just… well…” He looked at the boxes on the table and blurted it all out. “Gabriel came over for a visit and he’s given us some options for the rest of our lives.”

Cas paused and looked at Dean. “He did what now?”

“Sit, I’ll tell you the whole story.” Once Dean had done that, he pushed the boxes over to Cas. “So, there’s ring sets in here. Each of them have notes inside. The one… well, the one will let me be human. We can have a whole, human, life together. When we die, we go to Heaven, together.”

“Together? We’d be able to stay together in Heaven?” Cas asked, looking from the boxes to Dean.

“Yeah,” Dean said sadly, knowing what Heaven was. “Forever.”

Cas frowned and shrugged. “What’s the downfall?”

“Heaven is paradise Cas. No struggling, no problems, just… endless good times.”

“What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that what Heaven is supposed to be?”

“Yeah, but it feels so… fake, to me. You know? You don’t have to work for anything, you don’t have to fight to realize things you want, you just… exist. Rare people can travel between Heavens and -”

“Wait, there are more than one Heaven?”

“Yeah,” Dean smirked. “Technically, there is a Heaven for every soul up there.”

“Oh.” Cas thought about that, then he nodded. “What’s the other option?”

“Immortality Cas. For you. So we can stay together.” Dean said it slowly, carefully, because this wasn’t just his decision.

“Immortality?” Cas asked, hands running over the boxes.

“Yeah.”

“You think I wouldn’t want to chose it, or you think I would?”

“I don’t know. Immortality has it’s price, just like death does. Death opens for new beginnings, immortality is stasis. Each is good, each is bad. I won’t tell you what you should pick.”

“I won’t tell you either. In each scenario one of us gets screwed.”

Dean smirked. “In either I expect there will be lots of screwing.”

“Dean,” Cas said, rolling his eyes. “Please.”

“Just saying.”

There was silence, then Cas took a deep breath. “Do you have a preference?”

“Do you?”

“Oh for…” Cas trailed off, glaring, and Dean felt his pants getting tighter. He loved Cas’ angry face. “I have a preference.”

“So do I.”

They stared at each other. “I think we should write them down. So we can’t argue over this,” Cas said.

“Fine.” Dean got them paper and he wrote down “Humanity”.

Staring at each other when they were done, Cas offered his paper to Dean. “Swap?”

Nodding, Dean gave his paper to Cas and opened Cas’. It said “Immortality”. Dean smirked.

“Yeah?” Dean asked, and Cas was frowning at him.

“I thought you thought Heaven was fake?” Cas asked.

“You deserve the chance to rest, to be in perfect bliss. You’ve had a really rough ride,” Dean said with a shrug.

“I don’t want to rest. I want to struggle, every day, next to you,” Cas said softly. Dean hitched in a breath and closed his eyes.

“Am I allowed to have that?” he whispered. “That kind of life?”

“It’s fine with me,” Cas said, and then there was a warm hand on Dean’s. “Because anything worth having is worth struggling for, right?”

Dean opened his eyes and fell into Cas’ beautiful blue eyes. “Yeah,” he nodded. “That’s true.”

“So, together?”

“Forever,” Dean agreed, and when they kissed across the table, neither one of them cared if the food got plastered on their clothes.


	3. Bittersweet Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what I consider the bittersweet ending.

[](http://imgur.com/Y5BbIbb)

They bought the house across from Sam and Gabe. It was bigger than the one that Cas had been renting, and Cas had a large savings since he hardly ever used his money. They were able to put a sizable down payment on it, and Dean spent the first week importing his furniture from his own home to the new one.

Cas liked the furniture, but got angry when Dean tore up part of the backyard for his vegetable garden without discussing it with Cas first. Dean kissed and sucked Cas into agreeing that it would be possible to move it next year.

At the beginning of their second year together, Gabriel came over for a visit. Cas was working as was Sam, and Dean had been about to go out to the garden, but he made tea instead. Tea and pie had become a habit between the two of them.

“So, Sam told me that Cas was worried about the two of you living together forever, or not, as the case may be,” Gabriel said, polishing off his third piece of pie.

“Yeah?” Dean asked, frowning at Gabriel. “Why?”

“Just thinking. You know, there are choices and decisions a person can make in this world, and I have quite a bit of power at my command. Plus, you make a fantastic pie.”

Crossing his arms, Dean kicked Gabriel’s chair leg. “Make sense.”

“Well, I guess it comes down to these two boxes.” He pulled out two wrapped boxes which he put down on the table. “I would suggest you talk about this with Cas, ‘cause that man has a temper that could rival Michael’s, I swear.” Gabriel rolled his eyes and grinned. “But you choose one, then get back to me. We’ll discuss how you can pay me back.”

Cleaning off his plate as Dean brought the two boxes closer, Gabriel didn’t say anything else, he just stood and headed for the door. “Good pie, see you later.”

He was out the door before Dean had even half a chance to think about what he was holding.

When Cas got home that evening, Dean was even more perplexed. “Hey Cas,” he said, putting dinner on the table. “We have to talk.”

“That’s always an ominous sentence when you say it,” Cas said, walking into the kitchen to wash up. “What’s wrong?”

Dean leaned in to give Cas a quick kiss and then he shrugged. “Not much. Just… well…” He looked at the boxes on the table and blurted it all out. “Gabriel came over for a visit and he’s given us some options for the rest of our lives.”

Cas paused and looked at Dean. “He did what now?”

“Sit, I’ll tell you the whole story.” Once Dean had done that, he pushed the boxes over to Cas. “So, there’s ring sets in here. Each of them have notes inside. The one… well, the one will let me be human. We can have a whole, human, life together. When we die, we go to Heaven, together.”

“Together? We’d be able to stay together in Heaven?” Cas asked, looking from the boxes to Dean.

“Yeah,” Dean said sadly, knowing what Heaven was. “Forever.”

Cas frowned and shrugged. “What’s the downfall?”

“Heaven is paradise Cas. No struggling, no problems, just… endless good times.”

“What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that what Heaven is supposed to be?”

“Yeah, but it feels so… fake, to me. You know? You don’t have to work for anything, you don’t have to fight to realize things you want, you just… exist. Rare people can travel between Heavens and -”

“Wait, there are more than one Heaven?”

“Yeah,” Dean smirked. “Technically, there is a Heaven for every soul up there.”

“Oh.” Cas thought about that, then he nodded. “What’s the other option?”

“Immortality Cas. For you. So we can stay together.” Dean said it slowly, carefully, because this wasn’t just his decision.

“Immortality?” Cas asked, hands running over the boxes.

“Yeah.”

“You think I wouldn’t want to chose it, or you think I would?”

“I don’t know. Immortality has it’s price, just like death does. Death opens for new beginnings, immortality is stasis. Each is good, each is bad. I won’t tell you what you should pick.”

“I won’t tell you either. In each scenario one of us gets screwed.”

Dean smirked. “In either I expect there will be lots of screwing.”

“Dean,” Cas said, rolling his eyes. “Please.”

“Just saying.”

There was silence, then Cas took a deep breath. “Do you have a preference?”

“Do you?”

“Oh for…” Cas trailed off, glaring, and Dean felt his pants getting tighter. He loved Cas’ angry face. “I have a preference.”

“So do I.”

They stared at each other. “I think we should write them down. So we can’t argue over this,” Cas said.

“Fine.” Dean got them paper and he wrote down “Humanity”.

Staring at each other when they were done, Cas offered his paper to Dean. “Swap?”

Nodding, Dean gave his paper to Cas and opened Cas’. It said “Immortality”. Dean smirked.

“Yeah?” Dean asked, and Cas was frowning at him.

“I thought you thought Heaven was fake?” Cas asked.

“You deserve the chance to rest, to be in perfect bliss. You’ve had a really rough ride,” Dean said with a shrug.

Castiel stayed silent for a long while, but then he finally took a deep breath. “Oh,” he said, the frown disappearing and an smile replacing it. “Peace huh? And before that, we get to grow old together. One day at a time, making friends and joining bake sales, maybe adopt?” Cas asked, eyes shy as he looked up at Dean.

“You would want to have another kid?” Dean asked. He hadn’t ever thought of being a father. It might be kind of neat, and Cas was experienced up to a point. The possibilities were endless, weren’t they? “Yeah,” he said, that strange thing called hope surging through him again. “I think I’d like that.”

“You would?” Cas stood and came over to Dean. “I’d really like that I think. Only if Gabriel can guarantee that we won’t be plagued by the angels who want to kill you. I don’t want to go to Heaven if you aren’t going to be there.”

“I’ll be there Cas,” Dean said, pulling Cas into his lap. “Gabe promised me. He’ll block it off so angels can’t bother us. Trust me, he’s fully capable.”

“Then… yeah. Let’s have a life together. I’ve changed my mind. Let’s find out if we can stand each other long enough to have a Heaven we never want to leave.” Cas leaned in and kissed Dean.

Humanity. Dean wasn’t sure how much different that was going to be from what he was doing, but he was dying to find out.


End file.
